The Olympics are over, or so I’m told. I don’t watch. To be completely honest, I’m not a big fan of the Olympics. Nothing against them. I just work during the day, catch the highlights online or at the gym, and most of the events aren’t that interesting to me. I mean, the ribbon twirl thing? Come on.
But, I do have the utmost respect for the Olympics and those who compete. The honor of testing yourself, striving to be the best in the world, to wear your nation’s flag around your shoulders in victory? That has to be a perfect moment in time.
Those people are TRUE athletes. American NFL, NBA, MLB etc could take a lesson from those young people and stop be overpaid crybabies.
...but seriously, what’s with that ribbon twirl thing?
But, every Olympics, winter and summer, I wait with baited breath for the nudes and/or sex tape to leak online. And each time, it never comes (no pun intended).
Oh, don’t look at me like that! Prude. Young, consenting adult, in their sexual peaks, in the 1% top physical prime of the world, boning, is something I am curious about. Do they enjoy themselves on the trampolines? Water Polo pool? Perhaps the track or on the gymnastic equipment? Is it possible to screw on the uneven bars? Do you think there is a tier system in all that Olympic humping? A who-hooks-up-with-who class system? Water Polo, Beach Volley Ball and Soccer at the top while power lifters, fencers, and that stupid Ribbon Twirl thing are at “the weirdo table” of the cafeteria? Or is it a free for all?
If you want to know why I have this weird fixation, blame Hope Solo.
In 2012, during an interview with ESPN, which was picked up by multiple outlets, she said that Olympic Village is a massive party with a LOT of sex. She said “I've seen people having sex right out in the open. On the grass, between buildings, people are getting down and dirty.”
*Swirls cognac whist wearing a smoking jacket* “Hmm, tell me more Ms. Solo.”
According to USAToday, 8,500 condoms were issued at the Seoul Olympics in 1988. In 1992 in Barcelona, there were 90,000 issued. In 2008, the Beijing China Olympics passed out 100,000 condoms.
But wait, it gets better.
The 2012 London Olympics had 150,000 condoms passed out AND 100,000 female condoms. And for this year, the 2016 Olympics had...
...450,000 condoms passed out.
450,000. THAT...is a lot of fucking.
When not competing, The Olympians stay in the Olympic Village. The feeding and housing area where no press or media are allowed. Which makes me wonder about the amazing security of Olympic Village. Do these kids have smart phones? Cameras? Do the chaperons turn a blind eye while simultaneously wiping the internet clean from all the “frolicking”?
There are zero sex tapes. Zero online leaks (outside of iPhone hacking). Zero Olympians with their Twitter accounts flashing nude selfies. How? With their proven libidos, how is this possible? I can understand the past, prior to the modern digital age. But these days, every device is linked to the internet. Every device has an HD camera. And people have been taking pictures of themselves doing it ever since photography was invented.
Bullshit sensational sites like Gawker and TMZ base their entire business model on click-bait tabloid journalism. They actively seek, and pay, for images like this. So, how is this possible? Outside of the tasteful nudes ESPN and Time Magazine show every year (easy to Google), there is a distinct lack of gold medal gonzo nudity.
Maybe...just maybe, these kids are showing self-restraint while competing. Against their normal, real-world generational peers, they realize that all their hard work and dedication to being the best at their sport would crumble if such a self-indulgent, youthful narcissistic display were to leak. Entire celebrity careers and empires like Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton, were built on the bedrock of a sex tape “leaking”.
Or, maybe, there is just a “What Happens in Olympic Village, STAYS in Olympic Village” mentality. It’s obvious there people are no strangers to scandal. Olympians have been busted for drugs, steroids, the occasional pipe to the knee.
I have to give those kids some credit, thus far, they keep their private business private. Well, as private as one can be “having sex right out in the open, on the grass, and between buildings”. 450,000 condoms worth of private business is nothing short of a record.
So, come on Olympic young folk. Let’s get that condom count up to 500,000! Remember, you’re fucking not just for yourself, but for your respective countries! Think of the glory! Think of the nations you represent! Think of all the...chaffing? Seriously, be generous and considerate with your partners. Use lube. 450,000 times worth.
...except you ribbon twirling people. Your life, and “sport” is a sham and you know it.
