So I was looking through some of my old writing projects, scenes, and notes the other day and I came across the printed pages of this little “gem.” It’s something I wrote in 1999. I read it, laughed about how dumb I was, but thought, “hey . . . let’s share it”, especially since I’ve seen images online of Star War characters in Tarentino poses on T-shirts.

So I typed it up, did a little punch up, and added a couple of newer references. I present to you a 20 year old fever dream of a guy who apparently wanted to do sketch comedy writing.

Pulp Jedi

The Millennium Falcon flys through hyperspace blaring “Jungle Boogie”. Gangster scoundrels Han Vega and Jules Calrissian are in the cockpit.

Han Vega:

What's her name?

Jules Calrissian:

Leia Wallace.

Han Vega:

How did Marsellus Vader and her meet?

Jules Calrissan

I dunno, rumor is she’s his daughter? She usta be an princess from Alderran. Why you so interested in big man's wife?

Han Vega:

Well, Marsellus Vader is leavin' for Tatooine to take care of some business and when he's gone, he wants me to take care of Leia.

Jules Calrissian:

Take care of her? Making a blaster out of his finger and placing it to his head

Han Vega:

Not that! Take her out. Show her a good time.

Jules Calrissian:

You're gonna be takin' Leia Wallace out on a date?

Han Vega:

It ain't a date. It's just... you know... good company.

Jules Calrissian just looks at him.

Jules Calrissian:

Well you better careful. Last guy who did that got messed up.

Han Vega:

Who?

Jules Calrissian:

You remember the guy they called Jabba-Rocky Horror? Half black, Half Hutt?

Han Vega:

Yeah, the fat guy.

Jules Calrissian:

I wouldn’t go so far as to call the brother fat. I mean, he’s got a weight problem. But what’s the brother gonna do? He’s a Hutt. Point is, Marcellus Vader sent a couple of stormtroopers over to his crib on Coruscant and they threw his ass out of one of them tall ass skyscrapers. A passing speeder broke his fall, but since then, the brother’s developed something of a speech impediment.

Han Vega:

What Jabba do? Fuck her?

Jules Calrissian:

No, nothing that bad. He braided her hair up in fun buns.

Han Vega:

That’s it? Well, Jabba shoulda known better. Play with a thermal detonater, you’re gonna get hurt.

Jules Calrissian:

You don’t think Marcellus Vader over reacted? Motherfucker threw a guy off a building for braiding a girls hair. That ain’t right, messing with a brother’s speech and shit. Motherfucker does that to me, he better carbonite freeze my ass.

Han Vega:

I'm not sayin' he was right, but you're sayin' a fun-bun braid don't mean nothing, and I'm sayin' it does.I've given a million ladies a million fun-buns and they all meant somethin'. We act like they don't, but they do. That's what's so fuckin' cool about 'em. This sensual thing's goin' on that nobody's talkin about, but you know it and she knows it,fuckin' Marsellus Vader knew it, and Jabba shoulda known fuckin' better. That's his fuckin' daughter, man.

Jules Calrissian:

That's an interesting point

Han Vega turns around with his blaster in his hand to look at Greedo in the passenger spot behind him

Han Vega:

Hey Greedo, whaddya’ think? Did Marcellus Vader overreact?

Greedo:

Man, I don’t even have an opinion.

Han Vega:

You gotta have an opinion, I mean--

BLAM! Han’s blaster goes off

Jules Calrissian:

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Han Vega:

Oh, shit, I shot Greedo in the face.

Jules Calrissan:

Why the FUCK did you do that?

Han Vega:

It was a fuckin’ accident man! My blaster just went off. The Falcon musta hit an asteroid or something--

Jules Calrissian:

The Millennium Falcon didn’t hit no motherfuckin’ asteroid!

Han Vega:

Look man, I’m fuckin’ sorry--

Jules Calrissian:

Sorry ain’t gonna cut it motherfucker! We’re in Rebel Alliance controlled space. And Rebel patrols tend to notice things like, I don’t know, fucking Corellian Cruisers drenched in blood!

Han Vega:

What are you doing?

Jules Calrissian:

Messaging a friend. But if Yimmi’s ass ain’t home we’re in trouble.

A Blue hologram projection pop’s up

Hey, Yimmi, sorry man, but my partner got into a little bit of trouble and I need to use your swamp for a little bit.

-SCENE BREAK-

Tatooine - Deep in the basement of Mos Eisley Pawnshop, Watto is on the floor, bleeding, holding what remains of groin. Butch Kenobi, bloody and beaten, stands there, unsure of himself, a blue lightsaber ignited. Beside him, Marcellus Vader stands, his pants around his ankles after being repeatedly violated. Marcellus Vader’s hand is extended in a gripping motion and Watto is choking.

Butch Kenobi

You okay?

Marcellus Vader

Naw man. I'm pretty fuckin' far from okay

Butch Kenobi:

So, what now

Marcellus Vader

What now? Well let me tell you what now. I'm gonna call a couple pipe-hittin' storm troopers, who'll go to work on junk dealer here with a trash compacter and a Cloud City scan grid zap-rack. Hear me talkin' Toydarian?! I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'm gonna git Dark Side on your ass.

Butch Kenobi

I meant what now, between me and you?

Marcellus Vader:

Oh, that? Well, let me tell ya what now between me an' you. There is no me an' you. Not no more.

Butch Kenobi:

So we're cool? Even after . . . you know . . . the lava thing

Marcellus Vader:

Yeah man, we're cool. You had the high ground and I didn’t listen. Go on now, get your ass outta here. *His comm device rings* Hello? What’s the problem? I have my own shit I’m dealing with at the moment, but I’ll send you the Fett.

-SCENE BREAK-

The Millennium Falcon is parked outside a swamp in Degobah. Jules Calrissian and Han Vega are inside the earthen home of Yimmi enjoying a bowl of stew while Yimmi in his robe and cane, looks on unhappy.

Jules Calrissian:

Damn Yimmi, is this stew homemade? Man, me and Han thought we were gonna have some freeze dried stew, and here you are breaking out the gourmet shit--

Yimmi:

Know how good my stew is. Fucking made it, I did. When stew Luke makes, taste like shit, it does. But stew concerns me not. Dead bounty hunter in my swamp, it is. Sign in my swamp, did you see, that read “Dead Bounty Hunter Storage”?

Jules Calrissain:

C’mon Ymmi, you know I didn’t see no sign that--

Yimmi:

Sign. See you. That read. “Dead Bounty Hunter Storage?”

Jules Calrissain:

Yimmi:

Know why? BECAUSE STORAGE OF DEAD BOUNTY HUNTERS MY FUCKING BUSINESS IT IS NOT! Call people you must? Then do or do not. But if Luke comes home, finds dead bounty hunter in swamp, then leave me he will. No trial separation will I have, no. Straight to dark side, I go.

Knock at the door, opened by Yimmi.

Winston Fett:

I’m Winston Fett, I solve problems. Okay, what you’re going to need to do is to do is take cleaning products and clean the inside of the ship. And I'm talkin' Kessle Run fast. You need to go in the backseat, scoop up all those little pieces of Rodarian brain and skull. Take care of are the really messy parts. The pools of blood that have collected, you gotta soak that shit up. Now Yimmi, we need to raid your closet. I need old Jedi robes, the darker the better.I’m sure you have a bunch laying around after Order 66. And no whites, can't use 'em. We need to camouflage the interior of the ship. We're gonna line the cockpit with robes. If a rebel ship stops us and starts scanning, the subterfuge won't last. But at a glance, the ship will appear to to simply be covered in Mynock saliva. Okay, get to work.

Han Vega:

A please would be nice

Winston Fett:

Come again?

Han Vega:

I said a please would be nice

Winston Fett:

I’f I’m curt, it is because time is of the essence. So, pretty please, with sugar on top, go clean the fuckin’ Millenium Falcon.

-OUTSIDE in the ship-

Jules Calrissian:

This is some fucked up, repugnant shit.

Han Vega:

I already apologized. Did you ever hear the philosophy of The Force that once a man admits he's wrong, he's immediately forgiven for all wrong-doings?

Jules Calrissian:

Whoever said that never had to pick up itty-bitty pieces of skull with his fingers on account of your dumb ass.

Han Vega:

I’ve got a threshold for abuse and you’re crossing it. I’m a speeder bike Jules, and I’m in the red. And it’s not wise to push a speeder when it’s in the red.

Jules Calrissian:

Oh you’re in the red?

Han Vega:

Yeah

Jules Calrissian:

Well I’m a DEATH STAR PLANET BLASTIN’ MOTHERFUCKER, motherfucker! Every time my hands touch brain I’m a red kyber crystal lightsaber that will cut you open like a motherfuckin’ Taun-Taun. In fact, what the fuck am I doing in the back? You’re the motherfucker who should be on brain detail. We’re trading places!

. . . Coming soon, Reservoir Wookies (??)