And my future husband will be a total asshole, won't that be great Severus? You can be my best friend and watch me with him!
Several years ago, after the final (?) chapter of Harry Potter was printed, distributed and read came the two-part thrilling conclusion movies. Well, the second one was thrilling. The first was boring as all shit with one good cry scene.
(Damn it, I’m gonna miss you Dobby! <sniff-sniff> May you find all the socks in CGI-Elf heaven!!)
Dobby...watched you...sleep Harry Potter...and Dobby...pleasured himself
Following the films release, there was a video floating around out there, re-ordering Snape’s flashbacks and pivotal moments, painting him as a great sympathetic hero. One who held a deep and passionate unrequited love of Lilly Potter and who was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for the heroes to win. If you Google Severus and Lilly, there are a ton of fan-art images, depicting this. (And also a surprising amount depicting some hot Severus-on-James action.)
Don't worry Lilly...Iv'e seen Weekend at Bernies
Snape was an awkward young man who defended Lilly from her angry sister. The two developed a friendship. While Severus clearly developed feelings for Lilly, she discovered the ancient male/female spell - Friendus Zoneus.
<Alan Rickman Voice> No, I'm not...Kylo...Ren
As the two went to Hogwarts, she was sorted into Gryffindor and he into Slytherin. There she met her future husband James Potter while our sad-sack Severus started his dark path to being a Death Eater. We all read the books, we know where this goes. He becomes a Death Eater following the dark lord Snake-Face McTesticle-Head, while Lilly and James play hide-the-wand and make Harry. After the fatal events in Godric’s Hollow, Snape comes over to Team Dumbledore, protecting the child of the woman he loved and in the end, sacrifices himself.
And we applaud that.
What a load of bullshit.
Snape was great character until the reveal of his connection with Lilly. You had a complex character in Snape, who was dark, mysterious and made a great antagonistic foil/ally to Harry. And, in true Harry Potter fashion, an element was introduced which negated everything. Like Harry and the prophecy which equated to his preordained destiny and subsequent victory (Yes Potter peeps, I know about the Neville theories,-- and how hot he's gotten) negating failure as an option.
Damn Longbottom. I
In Snape’s case, his attachment to Lilly erased his character’s motivation. In turn, it was replaced with a much more pedestrian and mundane trope: the friend zone character. Snape was not noble. He was not romantic. He became a serial stalker with a fixation on Lilly. Instead of finding his own patronus, he copied hers. Everything he did was because of her. When she rejected him, he went to the dark side. When she was threatened, Dumbledore used that leverage to sway him over as a double agent to his side.Everything he did, action or inaction, was for her. That’s not noble...that’s sad.
He was Ducky from Pretty in Pink.
Except Snape didn’t get Kristy Swanson at the end. What he did get was a face full of snake bites.
Professor Snape, Wasn't Naginni a python? I thought they constricted and weren't venomous?
Shut...up, Potter. Let me...die in, peace. Plus, I totally stroked my wand to...images of...your mother.
You're a bad person Professor.
Fuck you Harry...fuck...you
I can hear some of the Potterverse fans now: “But but, he loved her. A deep emotional love and he was willing to do anything for her and her child!”
Like what? His cruelty towards Harry? His outright hatred for the boy who wasn’t his? Look back in the books and movies. Snape was mean, torturous and venomous to Harry. Why? Because he was also Jame’s son. The guy who got the girl.
Which leads me to my last point. Harry’s douchebag parents. James was a bully. He flaunted his magic against Snape, embarrassing him and being flat out jerk while his cronies, Black, Lupin and Wormtail, cheered him on.
Doesn't Hogwarts have safespaces or trigger warnings against bullies?!
And that dick was the man who Lilly fell in love with.
Bravo.
Once again, the jerk who doesn’t play by the rule finds happiness while the person who does what is right (at first anyway) is punished and goes down a dark path.
In summation, Snape wasn’t brave our courageous.His love-from-afar shtick wasn’t something to be applauded. He was weak person who allowed someone else define him, be it Lilly, Voldemort or Dumbledore.
But, in a rare moment of defense, I’ll say this: at least the movie/books reflected real life. Those who love selflessly (or stalkery?), are punished. Those who are desired tend to gravitate to the assholes of their respective gender. You know, how most people’s teens-to-late 20s/early 30s go. Don’t believe me? Match.com is up to 40M US subscribers and climbing!
Hell, it would be nice if Hogwarts was real. Go there as a kid and your damn sure to find your future partner. Harry & Ginny, Hermione & Ron, Lilly & James etc...
** Confessional Time: We all have fell victim to the Friend Zone in one way or another. I know I have. In my era, the Offspring’s Self Esteem was an anthem for such people and times in our lives. I honestly recognize the real person, with real faults Ms. Rowling was illustrating for us. I mock Snape because I feel bad for anyone who, at that (or any) stage in their life, still exist in a world where they let others tell them who they are. Be proud of who you are. Never let others define you. You are beautiful being YOU. Live long and strong!
~MK Gibson