In the wake of the new wave of Star Wars in the zeitgeist, we the fans are being treated to upcoming one-off films. Rouge One, for example, which is about the spies who stole the plans to the OG Death Star. And, the young Han Solo movies, which will make money but be critically split because no matter who you get or what you do, it will be compared to Harrison Ford.

No doubt the upcoming films will be treats for the eyes and ears, with plenty of old Star Wars reference vehicles, scenes, plots to make fans happy, and super fans run to the internet, blasting this new wave of Disney toy commercial propaganda with all the seething hate their fingers can type.

That is why I’m throwing my hat, and story, into the ring. I’m putting my story out there before some bigger hack than me, steals it and calls it his own. I DARE any film maker to take on this epic property and reap the benefits of the greatest non-Jedi story of the Star Wars universe.

I present you with this:

Star Wars - Gary’s Gamorrean Vengence -or- Pig Guard Blues. The epic story of Gary the pig Guard. After his fall from grace, we watch him rise to become the greatest warlord and bounty hunter the galaxy has ever seen. All in an epic quest to destroy Luke Skywalker and get his manhood back.

Yeah, that’s right! It’s the story of one of the gamorrean pig guards from Jabba’s Palace. If you recall in Return of the Jedi, Luke came into Jabba’s palace and force choked the two pig guards who were just doing their duty. You know, guarding shit.

And in walks this punk kid motherfucker who just a couple short movies ago was whining about power converters and kissing his sister. So now, he has a lightsaber, a robe, a tenuous grasp of The Force and here he is, choking poor guards because he can.

Asshole.

Yeah...pretty Light Side there dick-nuts!

So what happened next? Luke tried to mind-trick Jabba who was having none of that. Jabba popped the trapdoor and dropped Luke into the Rancor pit. As Luke fell, he pulled one of the two gamorrean guards down with him. Poor pig guard #2 became a ham sandwich for the Rancor’s mid-meal snack.

But, what happened to the first pig guard? I like to call him Gary. And this, my friends, is what I imagine happened to Gary. This is his story.

The following is a rough treatment of the first installment of Gary The Pig Guard’s epic adventure. (Note: this is not written in any particular style. I should do it in screenplay format, and one day I might. For now, just enjoy the ramblings of an idiot [read: Me])

...Long, Long ago in a galaxy far, far away, the Gamorrean Guard, Gary, watched his best friend die. Eaten by the Rancor after Luke Skywalker pulled him through the trapdoor. After it happened and the laughter of Luke falling in the pit died down, Gary watched as his best friend and cousin, Steve, die. Eaten alive.

Gary, well, Gary couldn’t believe it. When his shift was over, Gary got into his landspeeder and headed home. All the while, he replayed the images of the day over and over in his head. Sure, he’d been in tough fights before. But Steve was always there, getting his back. But never had Gary been manhandled like that before. Choked to the point to where his eyes bulged. His only moment of comfort came when he saw his best friend Steve, suffering with him. The shared pain almost made it tolerable.

Gary and Steve laughed when Jabba wasn’t susceptible to Skywalker’s mind tricks. But Gary didn’t laugh when Steve died. It was like a part of him was gone forever. The fleeting nature of life, snuffed out with one chomp.

Parking his speeder, Gary went into his domed home on Tatooine, his wife Gretchen, greeted him with a hug. Gary smelled the dinner she’d prepared and heard his kids calling his name, but he was in a haze. He just couldn’t look at them. The ironic things was, family was supposed to make one feel better. But, it was his family which reminded him of the family he’d lost that day.

After dinner and after the kids went to sleep, Gary and his wife tried to be intimate. But, having been dominated by that pasty human made him feel weak. Powerless. His erection failed him no matter how hard he tried. Gretchen’s questioning of “What’s wrong with you?” made it worse.

Gary faked a headache and said he was tired and rolled over. But he didn’t sleep.

The next day, Gary received a holo-transmission from one of the other guards. Jabba was dead. Boba Fett was dead. Gary’s job, and all his friends, were gone. Thanks to Skywalker. The holo-image showed Skywalker kicking the main skiff’s cannons and swinging away as Jabba’s pleasure barge exploded. All those people. All his friends. Dead.

Gary sat there and said nothing. He just started to cry.

“What’s the matter with you?” Gretchen sneered. “Not much of a man, are you. My mother was right, you are pathetic.”

“Not now Gretchen,” Gary said. Their marriage had been on the rocks for years. They had kids to help bring them together. It didn’t work.

“What are you going to do about it?” Gretchen asked loudly. “How are you going to provide for us now?!”

“Not NOW Gretchen!”

“Oh, raising your voice. Big man. If you were a real man, you’d go after that guy.”

“I’m a real man,” Gary said, a half whisper. He didn’t know if he said it to her or a mantra to himself.

“Steve’s a real man!”

“Steve?”

“Yeah, Steve! At least Steve knew how to fuck!” Gretchen said, crossing her arms staring at her husband with contempt. “Yeah, that’s right, we used to fuck all the time while you were on duty. He’s a real Gamorrean. What? You think those kids are yours?”

Gary...started to laugh.

“What’s so fucking funny?”

“Steve’s dead you unfaithful bitch!” Gary roared as he stood up suddenly, flipping the dining room table. “Have fun fucking a ghost.”

“I’m leaving you Gary!”

“Who’s stopping you?!” Gary yelled back as he threw a chair at her. “Get out and take Steve’s kids with you!”

***

Later that night, and two bottles of imported whiskey from Coruscant later, Gary stood on top of the dining room table. He placed the noose around his neck and tightened it. In the corner of the room, Gary watched the holo-replay of Skywalker next to the picture of his wife and kids. Well, Steve’s kids.

Gretchen said to do something about it. And Gary did.

He stepped off the table.

Once again, Gary felt the choking around his neck. Just like what started everything, it would be what ended everything. His eyes bulged the air in his lungs burned. In a few moments, he would be finally at peace.

A loud crack and snap echoed through the quiet home as four hundred pounds of Gary fell to the floor. Gary looked up and saw that his weight had broken the beam.

Gary couldn’t even kill himself right. He was a loser.

The sound of an explosion caught his attention. He saw Skywalker once again. And...something happened. Gary smiled.

He knew, he would never be weak again. Gary would rise up. Gary would become more. So much more.

Gary returned to Jabba’s palace and claimed it for his own. Anyone who stood in his way, he killed. Gary began exercising and reading. Strengthening his mind and body. He learned about economic trade as well as ancient forms of martial arts. He brought in master bounty hunters and learned their ways.

In time, Gary turned the crumbled ruin of Jabba’s business into a profitable, ruthless organization. Every night, Gary feasted on the finest foods and slept with the most beautiful courtesans money could buy. This smarter, leaner, muscular and educated garmorrean had it all.

All but the one thing he truly desired. Gary would not rest until the day came when he could hold Skywalker’s neck and in his hands and squeeze.