The scene:

Batman is sitting in the Batcave in front of the Batcomputer looking for something to investigate. But, crime is at an all time low in Gotham as most of the big name criminals are in Arkham or Blackgate and the low-life street thugs are in hiding as their bosses are in prison. Robin is off doing young people things. Alfred is up in the mansion...I don’t know, butlering. And the Justice League has taken care of this month’s cosmic threat already.

Essentially, Batman has the night off. But, there is no gala event for Bruce Wayne to attend, his company is running smoothly and Lucius Fox has installed global internet and back door access into every server in the world.

Does Batman then take out his Bat-mite and beat it like it was an escaped Joker?

Reasoning behind this:

Batman is the most superhuman “normal guy” in all of comics. He is a master of countless marital arts. He is basically a PhD in multiple courses like, criminology, forensics, psychology, chemistry and mechanical engineering. He is in peak physical form and maintains a workout regiment that would kill the world’s greatest cross-fit champion (but doesn’t have to bring it up in every F-ing conversation...you know who you are).

So, with this high-functioning sociopathic mind, is he human enough to dabble from time-to-time in the ancient art of the Slow-Jerk? Does his mind or body even entertain the concept of Polishing the Penguin? Perhaps he likes to buzz Alfred from upstairs and challenges himself to see if he can finish before being caught? Maybe he likes to do it while hanging upside down?

Maybe he’s tried and, like all Batman scenes, his mind floats backs to his parent’s death and he can’t do it? Or, maybe because of that he now has a particular kink? Thanks to his supercomputer, I’m sure he could find some orphan porn.

Arguing with a friend, he stands by the belief that Batman is above those bodily needs. He is the paragon of restraint, with a razor sharp focused mind on just being Batman. So, essentially, the comic nerd answer. And, I can understand that. He is Batman after all, not some horny teen. And, as my friend explained, some people in the world are just asexual. And that too, falls into the Batman mindset. He is the Dark Knight after all.

But...I’m gonna call bullsh*t on that.

Batman has had many sexual dalliances. Just Google “Batman Sex” and you’ll be amazed at how much action has been seen below the ole utility belt. To include his happy accident with Talia ‘al Ghul, Damien Wayne.

So, we see that Batman is indeed a sexual being. And sexual beings demand satisfaction. Not all the time, but hormones make monsters of us all. (Sorry for all the long showers Mom. But thanks for having 10, half-used bottles of conditioner in the bathroom at all times!)

So, I leave it to the people: Does Batman masturbate?

Comment below and let me know your thoughts. But, I’ll save you some time: Yes, I already know I’m an idiot.