star wars

How to Get into Jedi Heaven - or - Remember that Time Vader Killed Kids?

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One of the most difficult thing for a writer to write, is a prequel. When you go back to tell the story before the main story, you are automatically at a disadvantage. Trying to detail how the hero became the hero, or how the villain became the villain, is difficult because we the reader/viewer already know what they become. There are no stakes for the protagonist. Only the illusion of danger. At best, you’ll meet and lose a few secondary characters along the way.

It was . . . okay?

It was . . . okay?

When George Lucas announced the prequel trilogy way back when, I, like most nerds, was excited. When I saw them . . . well, let us say history has not been kind. But, this isn’t a rant about the Star Wars prequels. Well, not exactly.


I recently rewatched all the Star Wars movies and I have to wonder: how did Anakin Skywalker/Darth Vader get into Jedi heaven?

Remember in Return of the Jedi, following the destruction of Death Star II, when the rebels are partying with those little furry, little, flesh-eating muppets? Luke looks over and sees Yoda, Obi-Wan Kenobi and . . . Anakin Skywalker. Depending on which version you’ve seen, it’s either the distinguished older gentleman, or Hayden Christensen. Regardless, it told us the audience, that for saving his son Luke, and killing the evil Emperor Palpatine, The Force absolved Anakin for his sins and allowed him to be a glowing blue ghost. Cool.

But then the prequels came along. We all remember in Revenge of the Sith when Anakin, now turned totally evil, slaughtered all the Jedi in the temple to include “the younglings” (psst . . . that’s totally PG-13 code for child murder). And everyone in the audience said “Oh . . . shit. Kids? Damn! How could he?”

Their hats alone make them targets for bullies . . . with lightsabers

Their hats alone make them targets for bullies . . . with lightsabers

Yes, how could he? Well, let’s rewind back to Attack of the Clones. Where gangly Anakin, in a search for his missing mother, slaughtered an entire tribe of Tuskan Raiders. We remember those folks right? The weird scavenger people we met in A New Hope? The ones who attacked Luke, knocked the snot out of him, and were going to kill him. Then old Ben came along, made a scary Krayyt Dragon shriek and scared them away. Now, we always assumed the Tuskans were evil. I mean, they have Raider right in their name. So, no harm no foul, right?

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No. Because thanks to George Lucas, right before Anakin starts the Sand People genocide, we get a clear shot of little Tuskan “younglins” playing with some reptilian-dog pet. You know, like a normal native family.

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And, as Anakin said later in his confession to Padme:

“I killed them. I killed them all. They're dead, every single one of them. And not just the men, but the women and the children, too. They're like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals. I HATE THEM.”

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But Gibby, remember, they stole his momma! They did some pretty mean things to her. She died! And, that is true. But, according to wookipedia: Tusken Raiders, less formally referred to as Sand People or simply as Tuskens, were a culture of nomadic, primitive sentient indigenous to Tatooine, where they were often hostile to local settlers.

Huh. So, a bunch of space honkeys come to a planet, displaced the local indigenous people, and dared to get cranky when said indigenous people strike back at the space honkeys? That doesn’t seem fair, now does it? #tuskanlivesmatter.

But back to the point, seems that while trying to make Anakin dark and brooding, so we understand why he becomes Vader, the movies show that he does some really horrible things. Lucas tried to slowly show Anakins fall and seduction to the dark side. But, it didn’t seem like he was seduced. It seems like he was already kinda dirty and was just looking for that nudge. The movies also eluded to Palpatine manipulating . . . sigh, Midichlorians, into creating his life, somewhat explaining Anakin’s immaculate conception. But, that would mean he was tainted by the dark side from birth? Through the entire prequel series we were led to believe that Anakin’s fall was to save Padme. He married her and she was carrying his twin children after all.

Hmm . . . he did slaughter indigenous people. But, I think I can fix him.

Hmm . . . he did slaughter indigenous people. But, I think I can fix him.

Oh, speaking of, remember when Anakin became Vader, asked where was Padme and screamed “Nooooo!” when he found out she died? Notice how he didn’t even ask “Well, what about my kids?” You know, the ones he tortured, and tried to kill in the original trilogy?

But, Anakin’s sins obviously weren’t contained solely in the prequels. I recently went to San Fancisco, to help promote my books by going on a YouTube channel, Kinda funny, and their flagship video/podcast, Game Over Greggy (GoG). A topic-based show where we BS and talk nerd crap. While pimping my books, I mentioned that Author, Screenwriter, and Video Game writer Gary Whitta was an inspiration of mine. And that after a 2015 appearance of his on GoG to promote his new book, Abomination, it pushed me to keep trying to get my own material out there. Well, he lives in San Fran. They called him, and he came over. It was . . . awesome!

Damn it Greg Miller, quit photo bombing my meeting Gary Whitta!

Damn it Greg Miller, quit photo bombing my meeting Gary Whitta!

You see, among Gary’s accolades, he wrote an initial script for Star Wars: Rogue One. After the main show was over and we were doing a post show, BS session, I had to ask if the Darth Vader hallway scene was his. He said no, that he had a scene written where Vader stormed a beach and waylaid some rebels. But everyone agreed that the hallway scene, with Vader going full murder-bot in order to get the Death Star plans, was the best scene in the movie.

(Psst . . . that last guy, the one on the ceiling, he was only three more payments away from paying off his student loans. )

And I said, “Yeah, it was cool. But, that scene always troubled me. I get why its there, to move the plot and raise the stakes. But, all it did was make the audience cheer . . . for the cool villain who was committing multiple, horrible murders.”

And they all looked at me like I was an idiot. I repeated that the best part of the movie wasn’t the rebels who died giving the galaxy a chance. It was the villain, murdering innocent men. Again, I was looked at like I was crazy.

Many villains get redemption in books and movies. And some of them earned it. Remember how we hated the Hound and Jamie Lannister in Game of Thrones? Now fan favorites. Redeemed for some. And to others, still guilty of many crimes to include child murder, and attempted child murder. They may be going to Westeros Hell, but at least they’ll sell some swag along the way.

Maybe I’m wrong, but with all the films, showcasing all his sins, was Anakin worth redemption? In A New Hope, he was Tarkin’s attack dog, and stood by Tarkin’s side when Alderan, and its billions of peaceful citizens, went boom-boom in a Death Star demonstration. In Empire, he gave zero fucks about torturing Han and not asking any questions. In Jedi he did threaten to turn Leia if Luke wouldn’t give himself over.

Through all seven movies with Vader, for all the child killing, slaughter, torture, manipulation, lies, treachery, and planetary destruction, was one act of redemption enough? One kindness paid to the son he never cared to ask about. One act of self sacrificegranted him blue ghost status?

Man. I guess Jedi Heaven is easier to get into than community college.

And that’s why prequels are hard. We know where Vader ended up. But, the story getting there, to me, makes him beyond redemption. Now he gets to kick it, all blue and sparkly. But, to be fair, there is a Dark Side to The Force. And maybe that he was brought back as a practical joke. You know, to torture Luke into being a grumpy, teat milking hermit. How else do you explain The Last Jedi?

I don’t really have an end to this wandering thought exercise. I know in the universe of Star Wars, The Force is mysterious and there are other factors I haven’t addressed. It’s just something as a viewer, and later a writer, that always bothered me.

Can The Last Jedi Ruin Other Stories? -or- Nihilism and You! My Review of Episode XIII

Honestly? a 3/5 for me

Honestly? a 3/5 for me

It’s no secret to anyone in nerd/pop culture that Star Wars, Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (TLJ) has been one of the most talked about, and divisive movies, in years. Love it or hate it, months later, people are still talking about Rian Johnson’s movie.

Now, I made myself a promise for 2018. I would be more positive, even if I was being critical of something, I would still try and acknowledge what was good about something. Instead of just saying something was bad, I would offer areas where it could be better.

So with that being said, TLJ, for some, is a break to the saccharin Disney/Lucas formula. Instead of giving you the fairy tale formula, the movie subverts the tropes. By removing the expected, TLJ is able to deliver stylistic action and humor while also shining a light on war, those who suffer, and those who benefit. In rejecting the power of destiny and faith, one can view the world, or galaxy in this case, as cold and heartless. Through our failure, we learn. In the end, you have a movie which, by removing all you expectations, gives you a visual spectacle, and the promise that the force could be in anyone, not just a famous sky-walking family.

Where the hell was this cool scene from the trailer?

Where the hell was this cool scene from the trailer?

And on the other hand, there are the other people . . . who have a different point of view. Who upon seeing TLJ, who were filled with murderous rage. Witnessing this quasi-nihilistic, irreverent piece of expensive garbage, sent many fans to the internet, setting keyboards on fire with their perceived righteous fury.

It was pretty though! And the sound design? Top notch! No wonder it won several Academy Awards. (see, that’s the compliment sandwich right there.)

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For those who liked TLJ, I understand your POV, I truly do. It just was not for me. As someone who grew up with Star Wars, and suffered through the god-awful prequels, this was my time to see my childhood heroes again. And clearly, TLJ didn’t care about that or people like me.

So, with that in mind, I’ve decided to apply the message, themes, and general outlook of TLJ to other movies and potential sequels. Let’s see how that works.

Toy Story 4

The movie opens immediately after Toy Story 3 ends, with Andy waving goodbye to Bonnie as Woody and Buzz watch Andy drive off . . . only for him to immediately die in a car crash because Andy was texting while driving. Bonnie runs in the house screaming, leaving Buzz and Woody outside. Where they stay and get run over by a lawnmower. The movie then follows the adventures of Pricklepants and Trixie as they do . . . whatever.

But, was Andy’s mom the original owner of Jessie you may ask? Who cares! Answers are for simpletons.

 

Robin Hood 2

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As Robin steals from the rich and gives to the poor, the tax collectors come, realizing the poor have more money, and take it. The Rich then hire Saxon mercenaries to clear our Sherwood forest. Marion berates Robin for being a cocky, hotheaded scoundrel and begins a slow carriage chase across England.

Meanwhile, Friar Tuck and Maid Marian’s hand maid . . . Lily(?) go to France, only to learn that French merchants are selling trebuchets, swords, and crossbows to both sides of the conflict! Gasp! War profiteering is bad, did you know that!?

 

Princess Bride 2

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Wesley and Buttercup claimed to have true love, but after defeating Humperdinck their marriage becomes distant and loveless. Sadly, after five years apart while Wesley was on the high seas becoming the Dread Pirate Roberts and Buttercup was . . . I dunno, looking frosty, they learn that their attraction was only physical and they really are different people. So Buttercup and Wesley separate. Wesley leaves Florence with Indigo, and the pair take to the high sea. Buttercup however becomes Florence’s first ruling queen with her giant Fezzick by her side. 20 years go by.

The bastard child of Humperdinck, lays siege to Florence. Amid the turmoil, a young pale girl with a black hair, scars on her cheeks, fights against the uprising. The girl, Xandra, displays experts sword work beyond her years which gains her notoriety and the attention of Queen Buttercup.

Buttercup enlists this young rogue, and sends her to find Wesley and Indigo. Xandra teams up with a rag tag bunch of outlaws and set out on a grand adventure. After a slow chase across the sea by Humperdinck Jr’s men, this lady hero finally meets Wesley and Indigo. The two men are now lovers, living as a happy gay couple in Patagonia, selling beachside antiques to tourists. Wesley is fat and bald and Indigo is a pacifist. Xandra comes to Indigo and reveals . . . six fingers on her right hand!

But she is NOT Count Rugen’s daughter. Nope. Just a girl with six fingers. (How DARE you even think of a familial connection?! The force . . . of will, is in us all, not just an elite few bloodlines). Xandra asks Indigo to train her, but the Spaniard refuses, claiming the way of the blade only leads to more pain.   

Xandra goes back to Florence to see the city has burned and Buttercup is dead. Fezzik is missing. She finds him in the fire swamp, about to eat an ROUS. He refuses to help, claiming that he loved Buttercup and has no reason to live. He finishes his meal, rhymes about the futility of life, and then steps into the lightning sand.

Xandra leads the rebellion, but amid the fighting, she and Humperdinck Jr begin exchanging letters and they bond. On the horizon, a pirate ship flying the colors of the Dread Pirate Roberts is seen! But it isn’t Wesley or Indigo coming to save the day, no no no. It’s just pirates coming to raid. Humperdinck Jr and Xandra team up to fight them in a badly choreographed high school stage level production scene that fans love for some unknown reason, and live happily ever after.

Fred Savage knocks the book out of grandpa’s hands for reading him such crap. Grandpa dies of a heart attack.

 

Harry Potter 8

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Slender hands pick up an orb from the Ministry of Magic. A new prophecy is spoken. The children of the dual chosen are destined. One to be the new dark lord’s right hand, the other to be the beacon of resistance.

Ron and Hermione are divorced. Their kids live with her, as she is a successful editor for a magic newspaper after her investigative journalist career. Ron’s a drunk, but, he is also the new Headmaster at Hogwarts! (The Ministry of Magic wanted Harry, but he turned his back on magic. He and Ginny moved to Toledo where she sells real estate and he's a certified CPA.)

This story, despite being called Harry Potter, is about Luna and Neville’s kid, a girl named Luella. She is sorted into Slytherin house and her prefect is Harry’s son, Albus Severus.

Ron’s drunken antics as headmaster allow this new secretive Dark Lord to blow up Hogwarts! How inept! (Just like another ginger in TLJ who played a Weasley)

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Fleeing into the dark Forest, the students are taught by elves and centaurs there there exists an ancient, hidden school of Magic. Long ago, Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin created a school which predated Hogwarts. A place of primal power, but it was deemed unsafe. Albus Severus and Luella surmise that this is what the new Dark Lord wants!

Hints are dropped. Who is this new lord? A relation to Bellatrix? Colin Creevy who’s now addicted to Basalisk blood? WHO??!!

Ron see’s a pattern of brilliance in the new lord’s madness and convinced it’s Hermione. But, Albus suspects there is only one man who could be this new Dark Lord, the last horcrux of Voldemort, his own father . . . Harry Potter.

The students find the original school of magic, the place from whence Britain’s magic flows forth. After a CGI monster fight, the new Dark lord comes forward . . . and is promptly killed by a random student, falling into the magical wellspring before you ever learn who it is.

Upset you don’t know who the villain is? Tough, it was just taking up time anyway. Magic is in all of us . . . or something.

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So, how do those ideas sound?

When The Force Awakens was finished, fans had many questions. Questions we wanted answers to be addressed in TLJ. Questions like:

1. What became of Luke?

2. Who are Rey’s parents?

3. How did Maz Kanata come by Luke’s Lightsaber? Wasn’t that lost when Vader cut his hand off?

4. Who was Max Von Sydow in The Force Awakens? Is he important?

5. Are the Knights of Ren a splinter group that Luke trained or allies of Kylo?

6. Who is Snoke?

7. How did Snoke rise to power?

8. After all of the questions JJ presented in The Force Awakens, what can I expect?

9. Will we finally get to see a meaningful moment where the original characters can mourn the icon, Han Solo?

10. Will we get to see Luke wield his lightsaber one more time and/or go out in a heroic way out?

But, as far as TLJ was concerned, the answers to those questions seemed to be:

1) Not much.

2) Who cares?

3) Doesn’t matter . . . yard sale?

4) *Shrug*. . . Nope.

5) The what of what now?

6) A waste of CGI money and not worth exploring.

7) See above answer.

8) Having expectations is stupid.

9) HA! Hahahahaha . . . No! FUCK your icon, we have Porgs! Plus, we have Rose’s PETA side quest to focus on! You know, the one where she saved horses but left those slave kids behind.

10) Sure . . . but not really. He will milk a space walrus and drink hot teat juice! Will that make ya happy, ya fucking nerd?!

How you like my teat milk? Is it warm?

How you like my teat milk? Is it warm?

I know some people already have arguments for these Q&A’s. I don’t care.

Like/Love/Hate JJ “Lens Flare” Abrahams and his mystery box mentality, the SOB asked some good questions. Questions I for one really wanted answers to. But, your right. A 36hr slow chase and an overly long, overly ham-fisted life lesson about capitalism via a casino planet scene was much more important than answering any of those.

I, and many others, were waiting 30 years to see Luke the the hero we hoped he’d be. Instead we got a surly, tit suckling, curmudgeon and a shit load of excuses which sounded like: “well, you see, Obi wan was a hermit, and Yoda was a hermit, and Luke felt really bad for almost killing Kylo”.

Fuck that. That is weak, weak story telling. He left a map to be found. Not a map to keep people away.

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Losing Han in TFA sucked, but being robbed of the funeral, and the moment of the original cast saying goodbye to their beloved friend, and our beloved character, was nothing short of shitty. As fans, hell as movie watchers, you ride along on the adventures of the heroes. You cheer when they succeed, you suffer when they lose.

And that is the crux of my displeasure with the movie. Overall, I personally gave it a 3/5 review. It had humor, action, and was truly a visual spectacle. And I for one really like Rey and Kylo. And deep down, I like broom kid. There are several points the movie makes with which I agree. I like where it got to, I just loath how it got there.

The disrespect, disservice, and frank dismissal of the original movies and characters it what passes for edgy, but creates a division among the fans. Sure people talk about the movie, but a 50% disapproval isn’t something to be proud of.

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So, as I said earlier, if one is to criticize, then one is to offer an alternative. That is why I present this:

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Imagine a reworked scene at the end of TLJ, one where Luke really showed up to help the Resistance, and not a projection. Old man Luke pulled his X-wing out of the sea, popped in R2 and came in cannons blazing. He battles countless numbers of enemies from the air, taking down AT-ATs.

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Luke ejects and takes up his lightsaber fighting ground troops. Kylo comes in and there is a real lightsaber fight. After wounding Kylo who retreats, Luke is tired, weak, wounded and gets overpowered by the remaining First Order. That is when Leia gives the Falcon to Rey and says “Go!”

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Leia runs out the door, blaster in hand, picking off stormtroopers left and right. But also, tossing them aside with Force pushes and pulls. Leia helps Luke up and stands out there, together with her brother. They hold hands. And with their combined Force power, the two children of Vader reach into space and bring a star destroyer crashing into the planet. They know it will kill them, but it will save countless lives and give the Resistance a chance to escape.

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And just as the massive, looming ship was about to crash, Luke looks at his sister, says “I love you.” She says, “I know.” He Luke smiles. And as they die, Luke looks up and sees two suns and says “It was all worth it.”

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The Star Destroyer crashes in a massive spectacle of beautiful destruction. The sound goes silent as the dust settles. The camera pans back, revealing the devastation. The camera pulls further back, to see Chewie standing over Poe, Rey, Finn. He howls. Finn and Poe ask “What did he say.” C3PO and Rey both say “He said ‘thank you’”.

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A tear rolls down Rey’s cheek. The Millennium Falcon jumps to hyperspace, carrying away the remaining resistance fighters. Credits.

Goddamn standing ovation.

You pass the torch, set up the new characters, leave enough of a legacy behind, and move forward.

A Long  Time Ago, In a Galaxy Far, Far Away is the same thing as saying “Once Upon a Time.” It’s a fairy tale set in space. Let the hero be the hero. Let the farmboy or farmgirl be special.

It means any of us could be a king or queen in waiting.

You just have to have hope.

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Movie Madness: Star Wars - Gary’s Gamorrean Vengence -or- Pig Guard Blues

This is my story!!

This is my story!!

In the wake of the new wave of Star Wars in the zeitgeist, we the fans are being treated to upcoming one-off films. Rouge One, for example, which is about the spies who stole the plans to the OG Death Star. And, the young Han Solo movies, which will make money but be critically split because no matter who you get or what you do, it will be compared to Harrison Ford. 

 No doubt the upcoming films will be treats for the eyes and ears, with plenty of old Star Wars reference vehicles, scenes, plots to make fans happy, and super fans run to the internet, blasting this new wave of Disney toy commercial propaganda with all the seething hate their fingers can type.

 That is why Im throwing my hat, and story, into the ring. I’m putting my story out there before some bigger hack than me, steals it and calls it his own. I DARE any film maker to take on this epic property and reap the benefits of the greatest non-Jedi story of the Star Wars universe. 

 I present you with this:

 Star Wars - Gary’s Gamorrean Vengence -or- Pig Guard Blues. The epic story of Gary the pig Guard. After his fall from grace, we watch him rise to become the greatest warlord and bounty hunter the galaxy has ever seen. All in an epic quest to destroy Luke Skywalker and get his manhood back.

 Yeah, that’s right! It’s the story of one of the gamorrean pig guards from Jabba’s Palace. If you recall in Return of the Jedi, Luke came into Jabba’s palace and force choked the two pig guards who were just doing their duty. You know, guarding shit. 

And in walks this punk kid motherfucker who just a couple short movies ago was whining about power converters and kissing his sister. So now, he has a lightsaber, a robe, a tenuous grasp of The Force and here he is, choking poor guards because he can.

 Asshole. 

Yeah...pretty Light Side there dick-nuts!

Yeah...pretty Light Side there dick-nuts!

 So what happened next? Luke tried to mind-trick Jabba who was having none of that. Jabba popped the trapdoor and dropped Luke into the Rancor pit. As Luke fell, he pulled one of the two gamorrean guards down with him. Poor pig guard #2 became a ham sandwich for the Rancor’s mid-meal snack. 

Steve! No!!!!

Steve! No!!!!

 But, what happened to the first pig guard? I like to call him Gary. And this, my friends, is what I imagine happened to Gary. This is his story. 

 The following is a rough treatment of the first installment of Gary The Pig Guard’s epic adventure. (Note: this is not written in any particular style. I should do it in screenplay format, and one day I might. For now, just enjoy the ramblings of an idiot [read: Me])


 

 ...Long, Long ago in a galaxy far, far away, the Gamorrean Guard, Gary, watched his best friend die. Eaten by the Rancor after Luke Skywalker pulled him through the trapdoor. After it happened and the laughter of Luke falling in the pit died down, Gary watched as his best friend and cousin, Steve, die. Eaten alive.

Gary, well, Gary couldn’t believe it. When his shift was over, Gary got into his landspeeder and headed home. All the while, he replayed the images of the day over and over in his head. Sure, he’d been in tough fights before. But Steve was always there, getting his back. But never had Gary been manhandled like that before. Choked to the point to where his eyes bulged. His only moment of comfort came when he saw his best friend Steve, suffering with him. The shared pain almost made it tolerable.

Gary and Steve laughed when Jabba wasn’t susceptible to Skywalker’s mind tricks. But Gary didn’t laugh when Steve died. It was like a part of him was gone forever. The fleeting nature of life, snuffed out with one chomp.

Parking his speeder, Gary went into his domed home on Tatooine, his wife Gretchen, greeted him with a hug. Gary smelled the dinner she’d prepared and heard his kids calling his name, but he was in a haze. He just couldn’t look at them. The ironic things was, family was supposed to make one feel better. But, it was his family which reminded him of the family he’d lost that day.

 After dinner and after the kids went to sleep, Gary and his wife tried to be intimate. But, having been dominated by that pasty human made him feel weak. Powerless. His erection failed him no matter how hard he tried. Gretchen’s questioning of “What’s wrong with you?” made it worse.

 Gary faked a headache and said he was tired and rolled over. But he didn’t sleep.

 The next day, Gary received a holo-transmission from one of the other guards. Jabba was dead. Boba Fett was dead. Gary’s job, and all his friends, were gone. Thanks to Skywalker. The holo-image showed Skywalker kicking the main skiff’s cannons and swinging away as Jabba’s pleasure barge exploded. All those people. All his friends. Dead.

 Gary sat there and said nothing. He just started to cry.

 “What’s the matter with you?” Gretchen sneered. “Not much of a man, are you. My mother was right, you are pathetic.”

“Not now Gretchen,” Gary said. Their marriage had been on the rocks for years. They had kids to help bring them together. It didn’t work.

“What are you going to do about it?” Gretchen asked loudly. “How are you going to provide for us now?!”

“Not NOW Gretchen!”

“Oh, raising your voice. Big man. If you were a real man, you’d go after that guy.”

“I’m a real man,” Gary said, a half whisper. He didn’t know if he said it to her or a mantra to himself.

 “Steve’s a real man!”

 “Steve?”

“Yeah, Steve! At least Steve knew how to fuck!” Gretchen said, crossing her arms staring at her husband with contempt. “Yeah, that’s right, we used to fuck all the time while you were on duty. He’s a real Gamorrean. What? You think those kids are yours?”

Gary...started to laugh.

“What’s so fucking funny?”

 “Steve’s dead you unfaithful bitch!” Gary roared as he stood up suddenly, flipping the dining room table. “Have fun fucking a ghost.”

“I’m leaving you Gary!”

“Who’s stopping you?!” Gary yelled back as he threw a chair at her. “Get out and take Steve’s kids with you!”

***

 Later that night, and two bottles of imported whiskey from Coruscant later, Gary stood on top of the dining room table. He placed the noose around his neck and tightened it. In the corner of the room, Gary watched the holo-replay of Skywalker next to the picture of his wife and kids. Well, Steve’s kids.

Gretchen said to do something about it. And Gary did.

He stepped off the table.

Once again, Gary felt the choking around his neck. Just like what started everything, it would be what ended everything. His eyes bulged the air in his lungs burned. In a few moments, he would be finally at peace.

A loud crack and snap echoed through the quiet home as four hundred pounds of Gary fell to the floor. Gary looked up and saw that his weight had broken the beam.

Gary couldn’t even kill himself right. He was a loser.

 The sound of an explosion caught his attention. He saw Skywalker once again. And...something happened. Gary smiled.

 He knew, he would never be weak again. Gary would rise up. Gary would become more. So much more.

Gary returned to Jabba’s palace and claimed it for his own. Anyone who stood in his way, he killed. Gary began exercising and reading. Strengthening his mind and body. He learned about economic trade as well as ancient forms of martial arts. He brought in master bounty hunters and learned their ways.

In time, Gary turned the crumbled ruin of Jabba’s business into a profitable, ruthless organization. Every night, Gary feasted on the finest foods and slept with the most beautiful courtesans money could buy. This smarter, leaner, muscular and educated garmorrean had it all.

 All but the one thing he truly desired. Gary would not rest until the day came when he could hold Skywalker’s neck and in his hands and squeeze.