A tremendous amount of incredible world-building was done in the season’s six episodes. That in itself will bring me back for a season 2. - So when thinking about this show, and the litany of fantasy TV on right now, I decided to rank/micro-review the shows I’ve binged during the quarantine.
Before I go into this comedic rant and/or movie review, please know I don’t take the reason for quarantine lightly. My heart goes out to those we’ve lost and those afflicted/affected. I wish for better times and relief as soon as possible. So with that being said . . .
Oh COVID quarantine, thou art a cruel dick. Sure, there are tons of things to watch on the various streaming services. But just like the Star Wars movie franchise, only about a third of the material is worth your time. (Not you Mandalorian, Rebels, and Clone Wars. You’re perfect just the way you are). But I managed to see one movie I was expecting to like, which I didn’t. And one movie I thought would be laughably bad which I fell in love with. Wonder Woman 1984 and Fatman.
- Images from IMDB and Amazon respectively
So let’s start with Wonder Woman 1984, the cinematic equivalent of standing in line at a theme park. You know, two-and-a-half hours of waiting for two minutes of enjoyment.
Like many Americans (suck it the rest of the world who doesn’t have HBO Max) I settled down Christmas evening 2020 to watch the hotly anticipated Patty Jenkins-directed Wonder Woman sequel, Wonder Woman 1984. Based on the trailers, I was ready for the color, the music, and the action of an 80s era superhero blockbuster. Woo!
Then I watched it.
Huh. That--that was a movie. Hmm. Well, to the rest of the world I previously mocked for not having HBO Max . . . it looks like I and the rest of my country are the ones who should suck it.
Look, there are a lot of better think pieces and opinion blogs/movie reviews out there who have already covered this topic. By now I’m sure you’ve seen one of twenty of them. And like everything else in this country, the opinions are as polarized as those ridiculous glasses my mom bought back in the 80s. Damn you QVC.
- Image from YoutubeSo my Bottom-Line-Up-Front review is this: Boredom. Wonder Woman 1984 was total and absolute boredom with occasional moments of actual caring. I told myself that in 2021 I was going to be less critical. To point out positives even when I don’t like something. But, c’mon man, did ya see the movie? Okay, I can do this. Whew. Here we go. This dull as dishwater story . . . damn it . . . this “movie” was an introspective look at an immortal being who feels isolated and alone during the decade of decadence. With wanton avarice, greed, and sexism as the accepted norm, Diana must remind herself that there is no shortcut to life or happiness, And, and sometimes you have to fight aginst those dark forces.
There, I did it!
. . . That being said, it was also a tonal mess that undercut every pro-women message the original movie set up, ironic as this movie was written by Patty Jenkins herself. This film paints Diana as still pining (eh?!) over Steve Trevor, the first guy she ever met/fell in love/slept with/and knew for a total of like seven days, over 60 years prior. So when it came time for her one wish, the educated, beautiful, successful, glamazon wished for her old flame, the one thing she needed to be complete. The movie also has also been lambasted for the non-consensual sexual contact with the body Steve inhabits, as well as propping up middle-eastern people for the skinny white woman to smack around.
Sorry sorry. I’m trying to be better, but New Year’s resolutions are hard. But I’m disappointed since I really dug the first movie. But like I said before, there are far better thinkers than me who have pointed out the virtues and flaws of this movie. For me, I regret to say I nothing this movie. Neither liked nor hated. It falls sadly in that “I’ll likely never watch it again” level of apathetic viewings. Glad that I saw it with an HBO subscription and not in a theater.
But when I was at my lowest, somehow Mel fucking Gibson made me feel hope again.
Wow, I never thought I’d ever write that sentence in my life. Which brings me to another movie I watched very recently, Fatman.
- Image from IMP AwardsIf you haven’t heard of it, or seen the trailer, then here’s the pitch: When a rich/spoiled child gets a lump of coal for Christmas, said evil kid hires a contract killer to assassinate Santa Claus.
I’ll take a moment to let that sink in.
At first, I thought this was going to be one of those R-rated, good-bad movies. A laughable premise that commits to the bit and is entertaining for the run. And, it was that, but so . . . so much more.
You see, this movie had what Wonder Woman didn’t have, heart. Santa, you see, is at a low point. More and more children choose naughty over nice. And as such, fewer toys are made. And as a result, his revenue stream to pay his workers and cover facility costs are cut in half. (Yeah, somehow Santa gets paid by the government. It’s weird, but go with it.) So to makes ends meet, Santa begrudgingly has to accept a military contract.
Look, I know this sounds crazy. But when you see the movie, you’ll soon come to realize that this relatively low-budget indie-flick is a character study that has oceans of pathos under the surface, and it all comes out in the eyes and actions of the lead characters. Mel Gibson’s Santa is a tortured soul that feels like he let down the children of the world. Marianne Jean-Baptiste’s Mrs. Cringle is the rock that holds Santa up. She is his strength and his partner. Their beautifully acerbic dynamic is the heart of this movie. And the always A-game Walton Goggins plays an idiosyncratic hitman who has his reasons for accepting the contract to kill Santa.
- Image from TV FanaticThis, for me, was the movie I needed to see in these times. A tale of someone who struggles. Who loses their identity. Looses what they love. But, finds their resolve, their passion, and their hope once more.
Plus it didn’t have the normally awesome Pedro Pascal reduced to playing an unctuous Trump-parody villain . . . who kinda looked like Bill Murray’s character from Kingpin, Ernie McCrackin.
But like all opinions, they are subjective. If you love WW84, who am I to say otherwise? I’m glad you liked it! If you saw Fatman and thought it was bad . . . then you are a horrible person without a soul and will likely die cold and alone.
:)
Hope you have an amazing 2021. Live long and strong!
~Gibby
Okay, so . . . damn! The trailer to upcoming The Batman looks good. Real good. I mean, I'm no fan of Sparkles McHufflepuff** but I can't deny that he looks cool and I wanna see this movie.
**Special Note: Please don't suggest any of those gritty, art-house movies starring said actor. I've had many cinephile friends recommend his indie movies, which I then watch . . . and hate. Maybe I'm a basic-B but I despise go nowhere think pieces disguised as character studies. I have a theory that watching too many movies is like excessive masturbation/porn consumption: too much desensitizes you, and you need stranger things to find pleasure. Regardless, to the person who told me The Lighthouse was good: fuck you. Ole Robby P jerking it on screen while DeFoe imitates Mr. Crabs from Spongebob does not a movie make. And no amount of faux Lovecraftian spookiness can replace the time wasted on that black and white abortion.
So back to The Batman! Let's just say . . . I'm leery. Trailers can make people think a movie is going to more than it is. But, we've all been fooled by trailers before. After all, they're a marketing tool meant to get to spend money. And when it comes to Batman in live-action, I feel like I've been burned before.
See, this article came out a couple of weeks ago on Screenrant, "The Batman Explores Bruce Wayne's Trauma In Fun & Surprising Ways." And that didn't sit well with me. There was a specific line in it which read: " . . . he [The Batman co-writer Matt Tomlin] did confirm the story will tackle Bruce's early days operating as the Bat of Gotham. Additionally, he revealed the narrative will revolve around the character's trauma."
Sigh. I--I don't ever need another Bruce Wayne's trauma movie. I'm sorry, I don't. Pretty much every live-action interpretation of Batman has centered around Bruce Wayne's trauma.
. . . or him ready to quit being Batman for a girl. Seriously, look at this!
And yeah yeah yeah, I know . . . but what about his parents? Their murder is the cornerstone of his trauma and the genesis for Bruce Wayne becoming Batman.
Yawn.
Look, I'm clearly straw-manning this thought. But let me ask you this: Why was Spider-Man: Homecoming such a refreshing take on Marvel's favorite web-slinger? Aside from the MCU magic sprinkled in, there was no rehashing of the Uncle Ben Dies story line. We get it. We're nerds (or at least nerd-adjacent) and the ubiquity of these iconic characters ensures that everyone is aware that Uncle Ben died, Krypton blew up, and Batman's parents got gunned down. And we've seen those movies. A lot. Sad boy Bruce Wayne being so sad he plays dress-up while struggling with his inner pain.
So fun. Blah.
On the whole, I prefer the animated Batman movies. Why? Because the bulk of them deal with Batman doing Batman things. Fighting his rogues gallery, solving a crime, and being the dark vigilante we like. And, this is important, he's Batman the vast majority of the time, not an introspective emo puppy.
And, wouldn't be cool if we got a live-action movie that did that? No Alfred telling Master Wayne to get up. No Bruce looking forlorn over his waffles. Just Batman running around Gotham having to do something in the nick of time. You can make it moody. You can make it stylish. Dark and gritty the shit out of it. Hell, throw in a Court of Owls Raptor or a Hush (pick one) taking shots at him, I don't care.
Maybe this movie will do that? The trailer has all the elements I described. But it also has a slowed-down version of Nirvana's "Something in the Way." So . . . yeah, I’m sensing some sad-boy Seattle rain “poor me” on the horizon.
Some folks say that you need Bruce Wayne. You need to see his face to humanize him. And to that I say . . . why? We've had that, plenty of times. Do you know what we've never had? Batman in the cowl for the whole movie. You see, there's this little movie that kicked a lot of ass and went unappreciated in its time. A little flick called Dredd.
NO! No that one. This one.
Ahh, there it is.
This movie had the balls to cover the beauty that is Karl Urban (don't judge me, we're all allowed one man crush) for the entire movie. This well-paced, contained, gritty, action story not only kicked major ass but served as a prototype of how a Batman movie could be made.
So, all humor aside, I'm sure The Batman will be a solid movie and I really am looking forward do it. People laughed in '89 when the comedian Michael Keaton was announced as Batman. They laughed again when the lanky kid from Knights Tale, Heath Ledger, was announced as Joker. So maybe the Crystal Pepsi of vampires will surprise us all.
But I swear to God if I see Thomas and Martha one more time I'm killing them myself.
~ Live Long and Strong - Gibby
“I felt a great disturbance in the Force. As if millions of voices cried out in terror…”
~ Ben Kenobi
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
~ George Carlin
Image from Amazon
I’m just going to come out and say it: I honestly don’t give a shit if they remake The Princess Bride. In fact . . . I kinda hope they do. Unpopular opinion, I know. And not one born from a desire to troll (even if its a teeny bit fun :) ). Just a personal opinion. Others may disagree, and that’s fair.
When I heard the talk about a possible remake, my honest first thought was: Oh, that would be cool. Then while mindlessly checking social media, I saw that the internet had lost its fucking mind. I sighed. Angry people brandishing digital pitchforks and torches shouldn’t surprise anyone at this point.
I thought of a simpler time, when the internet was for research, chat rooms, free music, and a bountiful cornucopia of porn. Alas, the ubiquity of social media on every device allows for every stray thought and opinion of others to be slammed directly in front of your eyes. What’s worse, is that online “journalism”, and even the traditional news cycle, harvests the overly-opinionated online angst like ripe crops, and shoves it back into the proverbial mouths of whatever like-minded/politically affiliated base they pander to. All in the name of clicks-to-ad revenue. (And you thought they shared your beliefs, didn’t you? Tsk tsk ;-) )
But back to the topic at hand. Once I pushed through the countless memes and legion of venom-spewing Princess Bride purists, I really had to ask myself: why not? Sure, I liked the movie. Hell, at one point in my youth, I had it memorized, word-for-word, down to the sound effects. But, what if they did remake it? Or reimagine it? That could be cool.
What if they turned The Princess Bride as a space opera? Warring interplanetary kingdoms. Westley could become a space pirate? Vizzini could planet-hop with Buttercup and Westley has to track them across various systems. Miracle Max could live on a Dagobah planet? Even the life-sucking torture scene with Count Rugen could happen on a space station that Indigo and Fezzik needed to infiltrate?
Or maybe as a 30’s prohibition era gangster movie? That could be a neat setting. Westley could be a returning war hero turned PI/cop that has to track down BC from an Al Capone-like Humperdinck?
See, I’m one of those weirdos who likes when they remake old(er) things. Movies, songs, TV, etc. I think it can be a fun way to revamp a classic for a modern audience. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Musically, I love “All Along The Watchtower” by Jimi Hendrix (originally by Bob Dylan), “Hurt” by Johnny Cash (originally by Nine Inch Nails), “Ring of Fire” by Social Distortion (originally by Johnny Cash), and “Over the Rainbow” by Israel Kamakawiwo’ole (originally by Judy Garland) just to name a few.
Video games get remade all the time. Bringing classic games to modern consoles for newer generations to appreciate. They fix jenky controls, make it visually appealing, and next thing you know, the old is new again.
In movies, Oceans’ 11 is a good example of a remake. And some folks even liked Ocean’s 8. While Ghostbusters 2016 was divisive, Disney remains rife with remakes (Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, etc). And of course there is Conan with Jason Mamoa . . . which is NOT a good example.
Heh, I bet Aquabro wishes he woulda made that flick (BROnan?) now, while his star power is high as opposed to then. But, it was Apr 2011 when GoT Season 1 came out, and August 2011 for Conan. So, Drogo gonna Drogo.
Image from IMDB
She-Ra recently made a return on Netflix, with a Kevin Smith helmed He-Man on its way. Some folks bitched about it. But, my 7yr old son and I watched some of the She-Ra eps and he thought it was kinda cool.
But its always funny, to me, when the overtly vocal folks become SO ENRAGED when a movie/TV studio dares to touch something special to them. You know who I’m talking about.
“They did what???!!!! How dare they! #NOTMY[INSERT THE MEDIA THAT MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL AND OR UNIQUE HERE]”
And it isn’t because I’m “above it”. I’m not really enlightened, or pretentious. I damn sure don’t use the words “Film” or “Cinema” to describe movies. I can even like a bad/over-hyped movie because it was “fun” (Looking at you Avenger’s Endgame. Great character payoffs with a dumb-as-F plot) And for shit’s sake, I love (and own) the extended cut of Hansel & Gretel Witchhunters. So clearly, I’m no freaking authority on what’s “good”.
Image from Amazon
The reason I don’t care about remakes is simple. Ready for the secret? Shh, I’ll whisper it to you: The originals still exists. No one snuck into the night and destroyed all the copies of the thing you like.
Crazy, I know.
Maybe it boils down to it purists. People who staunchly say: “The original is the best!” And you know what, a lot of times, they’re right. And sometimes, subjectively, they’re very much wrong. Perhaps their slogan should really be: “The original is what I know best, and I don’t want someone saying the newer version is just as good/better than what I know best because . . . reasons!”
Admittedly, that’s a bit too long for a slogan.
Hell, while we’re at it, I firmly believe that the Peter Jackson Lord of the Rings movies should be remade. Yeah, I said it. Sure, Fellowship is still pretty solid, as the bulk is filmed with minimal green screen, on location, and with tactile props. But there are certain scenes in that flick--especially more so in the other two--that look like a bad video game cut scene. And there is no real fault per se. It’s just that CGI has come a long way from when those movies were filmed. Obviously they did the best they could with what they had at the time, but certain crucial scenes have not aged well. It is really obvious what’s real, what’s a sound stage, and what is really dated CGI. To watch those now, the nostalgia goggles must be thick to ignore some cringy bits.
Image from Amazon
Plus, a remake could make Gimli cool and not a buffoon for comedic relief
Obviously the argument can be made that entertainment media doesn’t need remakes or re-imaginations, they need original ideas. And I agree. Everyone has heard the expression “Hollywood is out of ideas.” But sadly, there is an axiom that rings true across most mediums, and one I learned early on in my writing career. And that is: stand-alone or new properties don’t sell well. Franchises are what brings people back for more.
Of course there are exceptions. Recent original, non-franchise, non sequel movies like Get Out and Us, garnered a lot of attention on the back of Jordan Peele’s fame. And Us was in the top 20 box office hits this year, #8 in fact. But here are the others, see if you notice a trend:
Avengers: Endgame - Sequel
Lion King - Remake
Toy Story 4 - Sequel
Captain Marvel - Technically new/standalone
Spider Man: Far from Home - Sequel
Aladdin - Remake
It: Chapter 2 - Sequel
Us - Stand alone
John Wick 3 - Sequel
Fast & Furious Hobbs & Shaw - Spin off Sequel
How to Train Your Dragon 3 - Sequel
Secret Life of Pets 2 - Sequel
Detective Pikachu - Stand Alone/loose re-imagination of Game Boy Game
Shazam - Technically new/standalone
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood - Stand Alone
Dumbo - Remake
Glass - Sequel
Godzilla King of Monsters - Sequel
The Upside - Stand Alone
Lego Movie 2 - Sequel
Point is, creating something “new” is hard. Many writers, story resources, and the like, have their own opinion, but the boiled down story basics and story conflict are as follows (and nearly every story is a mix and match of the following):
Story Basics:
Comedy
Journey and Return - A story about transformation
Overcoming “A Monster”
Quest - From point A to point B.
Rags to Riches
Rebirth or renewal
Tragedy
Story Conflict:
Person vs. Fate/God(s)
Person vs. Nature
Person vs. Person
Person vs. Self
Person vs. Society
Person vs. Technology
Person vs. the Unknown/Extraterrestrial
As Mark Twain put it:
“There is no such thing as a new idea. It is impossible. We simply take a lot of old ideas and put them into a sort of mental kaleidoscope. We give them a turn and they make new and curious combinations. We keep on turning and making new combinations indefinitely; but they are the same old pieces of colored glass that have been in use through all the ages.”
So, long story short, I don’t care if a movie, music, show, whatever gets remade. Is it “boring” or “unimaginative”? Maybe. Depends on the finished product.
I’m not trying to convince someone that should/shouldn’t care, or think the way I think; that’s a fool’s errand. Obviously there are far more important things in the world to worry about then a remake of a movie. Entertainment is just that, entertaining. It can distract us from horrors and stress. And, it can even enlighten when done right (or be a heavy handed punch in the metaphorical mouth).
But when done right, a nice remake or re-imagining can be something pretty cool.
Westside Story is Romeo and Juliet,
10 Things I hate about you is Taming of the Shrew,
Apocalypse Now is Heart of Darkness,
Lion King is Hamlet,
O Brother Where art Thou is The Odyssey,
Clueless is Jane Austin’s Emma,
Young Frankenstein is a comedic spoof of Frankenstein,
The Force Awakens is clearly a reskin of Star Wars: A New Hope
Heh heh. Oh, and don’t forget that The Princess Bride WAS a book published in 1973, written by William Goldman.
Image from Building a Library
Point is, if you Google best remakes or song covers, you’ll find some really neat stuff you may not have known. So, why sholdn’t The Princess Bride be remade?
. . . unless you think about it as:
a white girl, with limited agency, who is an object to be won. A prize, if you will, that is battled over by two classic stereotypes of (toxic) masculinity. Coupled with the sheer lack of ethnic diversity, the movie does show its age and biases. Come to think of it, I think Mandy Patinkin is a Chicago-born Jewish man . . . playing a Spaniard?! (ouch!). And Billy Crystal and Carol Kane are doing some kind of mockery of the elderly. Not Cool. And what the fuck is a “Holocaust” cloak? Hmm? If they meant flame-resistant, then say that. And wait . . . didn’t Westly like . . . kill tons of people as a pirate? He’s the hero? Even more, he barely knew Buttercup and left her to find his fortune while she minded the farm? Then got indignant when after 5 years she moved on? Uh-uh! She isn’t property.
You know what. Fuck this movie and any potential remake!
From Giphy
:) Well, that was a bit of lighthearted fun. So in the end, love what you love, and don’t let anyone tell you different. Besides, we can attack the REAL problem. Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds wanna remake Clue!
DISCLAIMER: If you love the show or the books, GREAT! Don’t let my ramblings take that from you. This is mostly for comedic purpose. But, some of my true feelings are buried in this nonsensical drivel.
At the time of writing this, season 8 of Game of Thrones is only days from airing. Like me, maybe you’ve seen tons of countdown clocks and memes in your social media feeds. People are abuzz with anticipation. The culmination of massive phenomena that began on HBO in 2011 (or those pesky written versions in 1996). 67 episodes, five published main story novels, 2 more pipe dreams of “forthcoming” books, plus comics and prequel content.
BUT, not all is well in the Land of Ice and Fire. While some fans are excited others are angry. Since the show has gone past the published works, some consider the latest season as fan-service fan-fic. Others have commented that the off screen jetpacks and rocket-powered ravens** have made them upset. Or, how the Ironborn people of Pike can make that many ships from islands that look like bleak rock.
**These terms refer to how quickly the remaining main cast (and message by ravens) have been able to travel across Westeros and Essos with plot-convenient blinding speed. In season 1, it took what, a month of travel from kings landing to Winterell, and another month to the wall? Well, remember when Jon and crew were stuck beyond the wall in season 7, and Gendry ran back to some outpost, sent a raven to Dragonstone? Danny got on her dragon and flew there the next morning. (for perspective, just from Winterfell to Castle Black at The Wall is 600 miles by raven, 650 by road.)
There are defenders of these plot devices, saying that lore supports these things, or TV adaptation is required. Antagonists do as the internet does and just hates. So, nothing new there.
But, I’m here to say: I don’t give a shit and I embrace the insanity.
I like Game of Thrones, both the show and the books, but the grand epic story was ruined for me, long ago. The moment overt supernatural and prophecy was added to the story, the whole thing became a house of cards to me.
See, the show (and the books) in the beginning masterfully blended political machinations with the ever present, creeping fear of the supernatural darkness. While we gasp at things like the Red Weddings, we are also aware of Jon Snow’s plight, for he’s seen beyond the wall. And that . . . that’s the problem. Sooner or later, all the who fucked who over (or simply who’s fucking who), won’t matter. Not when the Ice Zombies come a knocking. And maybe that’s the point. But it also undermines the core. The human element. Added to this, is the prophecy, you know, The Prince Who Was Promised. See, once we got the Fire God, R’Hollr Lord of Light pitting its avatars against The Great Other, the cold god of ice and death, then the wine sipping snark fests between uppity nobles were . . . well, blah.
image from HBO
Seriously, do you think I give two horse apples about the Iron Bank or the Golden Company when the King of the Ice Zombies killed a dragon with a fucking spear, then raised said dragon as an undead ice dragon? No. No I do not. Looking back, remember in the hot springs when Jamie gave that impassioned speech about why he killed the Mad king? Or Littlefinger’s deft plots? How about Tyron facing his dad in the crapper? Or Theon’s torture at the hand of Ramsey? Powerful human moments right?
Well I also saw and entire dead village of Hardhome stand up at once under the power of the Night King. I saw Jon Snow get resurrected (among others). I saw face-shifting disciples of the God of Death. The human story is drowned out by the fantastic. Fun Fact: in the books, Thoros of Myr, you know, top knot drunken red priest brought back Catelyn Stark? Although, she didn’t come ALL the way back. She was dubbed Lady Stoneheart and she hung Brienne. Yup. Neat stuff right? But please, tell me more about The Vale or the politics of Dorn.
No, please go on. Tell me more of your . . . politics. I’m sure I have another dragon killing ice spear here somewhere. image from HBO
Add to that the Three-Eyed Raven and time travel, then you have a cycle you cannot break. The past/present/future is seen. Maybe you can break the cycle, or perhaps we’re just watching/reading actors playing the parts as fate already decreed. Yes, the Hold The Door/Hodor bit was an AWESOME scene, but you may as well have had Marty & Doc zoom past in the Deloran.
I know, I know, I’m being both overtly narrow in my view while also editorializing for my narrative. I get it, trust me. But this is just my opinion. But once you add prophecy to a story, any story, “the story” is over. Meaning, like any book, show, or movie, once you see the ending coming, it’s a wait and see game. And in GoT there were only two options. You either take the political “medieval” drama to its end while you hand wave the mythical stuff/deal with it off camera (pissing off fans of fantasy). OR, you make a hard turn into the fantastical, and piss on the backbiting and maneuvering (and thus anger your cerebral nerds). Which is where we seem to be heading.
Now MAYBE, the show (or books) can blend the two and do so perfectly. And something tells me that there will be people loudly saying that it did AND didn’t (again, see: the internet). But based on what we saw last season, I think we should settle in for more giant set pieces, giant battles, and giant magic. I’m sure there will be some surprise deaths, some revenge, and a twist or two.
And I’m totally cool with that . . . Because I WANT the fan service.
Like I said earlier, I like the show a lot. And in many ways, MORE than the books. Sorry literary fans. I know that is heretical of me to say, but I don’t care. Some epics are just too much. Like Dune, the first couple are solid, but then it just . . . goes on far too long, and diminishes the whole.
So after the better part of a decade for the shows, and 23 years of waiting for this goddamn series of books to be over, I say “bring on the fan service!” I was thrilled with last seasons events and I want more. you know what I hope happens?
I hope Jon Snow rides a dragon, wooshing by, and beheads Jamie Lannister for trying to kill Bran.
I hope Sam tries to kill the Night King only for Gilly to stab him in the ass with dragon glass.
I hope The Hound fights Franken-Mountain in the Clegane Bowl. After which, The Hound cuts off The Mountain’s dick and tosses that Icelandic anaconda to Theon and Gray Worm who then battle for it. The winner takes it to Qyburn for reattachment.
I hope Brienne refutes Torman Giantbanes advances so that she and Sansa fall in love and open a goddamn flower shop in Dorn together.
I hope Danny finally tells Jorrah The Knight of Friendzone, to get a life.
I hope Theon beats his uncle at something, only for his sister to put Theon down after.
I hope Arya kills the Hound for his past sins, like killing her friend the Butcher’s Boy.
I hope Sansa learns to smile . . . an act (I wonder if Dark Phoenix will be any good?)
I hope Ned Stark comes back from the dead . . . only to die again, as Sean Bean does.
I hope that when all the heroes are dead and when Cerci sits on the throne, Varys and Gendry stab her. Only for them to then dissolve the monarchy and institute democracy. #MakeWesterosGreatAgain
I hope not only that Bran is actually also Bran the Builder and the Night King, but that the story ends with young bran sitting in bed, having been read a bedtime tale and the whole thing was a story (the Rian Johnson cut.)
But above all else, I JUST WANT THIS OVER SO I CAN FINALLY CANCEL HBO!!!!
See y’all in a few days around the internet water cooler!
~Gibby
Right off the bat, let’s address the elephant in the room concerning this movie. While promoting the movie there was a plethora of comments and sound bites from Brie Larson about diversity and white male journalists. And naturally the internet exploded with vitriol. Who knew the internet was an opinionated place? But, I ignored it. I only cared about two things: the movie . . . and why is Brie Larson slowly transforming into Diane Kruger?
Images from Celebmafia and Getty Images
Before moving into spoiler territory, this is my brief, IMO, spoiler-free, TL;DR review: The movie firmly falls into the “It’s Fine” category. Nothing special. Nothing horrible. Nearly every story beat is predictable with minimal twists on the superhero movie formula. It has neat action. It has some jokes. It tries for heart, but misses. Captain Marvel follows in the wake of Wonder Woman, but without a seasoned hand like Patty Jenkins to guide the movie, it falls short of what it could have been. Influenced by other Marvel movies like Guardians and Captain America, but ends up in the mid-tier.
Okay, with that out of the way, the rest of the review will have some spoilers. Cool?
Marvel has always impressed me with casting, seeing something in an actor that could shine. If you look back, they cast the unstable wild card to be Iron Man, the banana in his ass comedian as Captain America, the unknown dead George Kirk to be Thor, and the pudgy schlub from Parks & Rec as Star Lord.
Images from Daily Mail, Not Another Teen Movie, Star Trek, and NBC
So when Brie was announced, I was excited. I loved her in Scott Pilgrim, The United States of Tara, 21 Jump Street and Kong: Skull Island. I was wondering what the Marvel casting team saw in her. But, after watching the flick, I think what they saw was her left shoulder, constantly pointing towards the camera, in a 3/4 square stance. The below pics don’t do justice. She loves to run/storm into frame, put her left shoulder forward, and make fists.
Images from Marvel
The movie is a pretty good action flick. It tries for comedy, and some jokes hit. But, you can also tell that the movie tried to be like Guardians, but with the 90’s instead of the 70’s. But, it never quite hits. (There’s even a scene where we’re in her head and Nirvana’s “Come as You Are” is playing. But since she disappeared from earth in 1989 and returned in 1995 . . . she shouldn’t know that song.) James Gunn brought a pathos to Guardians of the Galaxy and to his characters. A deep, personal pain to each of them which was masked in comedy. Something we the audience can relate to. But, the Captain Marvel movie is devoid of such depth.
The movie also tries to be a buddy cop flick with Marvel and Nick Fury, and that never really gels. And while Mr. Jackson is perfectly fine, the Fury you know from other movies is gone, and is replaced with this younger, dorky version who is the butt of Carol Danvers’ jokes and jibes. This self-described Retired Colonel turned Spy turned SHIELD Agent gets all gooey whenever that stupid cat is on screen “Who’s a widdle widdle good kitty kitty?”. (Yes, he says crap like that. A lot. And it sucks. And I have a cat.) The other sticking point is that Jackson and the rest of SHIELD, accept alien existence really, really quickly. I know the story needed to keep going, but as the directors/writers hand waved that bit away, I knew I was just along for the ride. Stuck in the backseat and forced to suffer bad choices. (see Fury’s missing eye here). This choice also retcon’s Fury’s speech in Avengers when he tells them that SHIELD is developing new weapons and tech because of Thor, and up until he arrived, they thought they were alone in the universe.
The movie is in essence a discovery of personal strength. You know, “the power was in you the whole time, you just had to believe” trope. As Cap Marvel AKA “Vers” discovers her past on earth, she starts to remember her old life, and there are actually very touching moments between her and her old wingman, Lashana Lynch’s “Maria Rambeau” and Maria’s daughter, Monica. When her best friend comes back, after 6 years of presumed death, Lynch’s reaction and performance is amazing
. . . and then, then they had to ruin it.
You see a few scenes later, the dialogue forces Larson to say something like “I don’t even know who I am anymore!!” Ugh. To which Lynch is forced into the other dead horse of bad writing by listing the protagonists superlatives. “You’re Carol Danvers! The bravest, strongest, and most amazing person I’ve ever known!”
I literally had my hand over my face during that scene in abject shock and cringe during this stilted scene. And for some reason, I couldn’t get the scene out of my head from Face/Off when Sean Archer is now wearing Caster Troy’s face and freaks out. His (Sean’s) best friend and partner Tito, has to remind of who he was. “You’re Sean ARCHER!!” You know, another black character reminding the white lead of their inner strength. Blah.
***Special shout out to Ben Mendleson as Talos, leader of the Skrulls. He chews the scenery and has some of the best lines and scenes. His character is given oodles more comedy, pathos, and depth. All this despite being forced to wear a mask that forced him to mumble and slur. Truth be told, if he was a new addition to The Guardians, I would totally be down.***
But since watching the movie, I’ve been trying to figure out what about Captain Marvel didn’t work for me. She was strong, she had some humor, she was snarky, she was committed. So what was it that made me, at best, iffy? And then it hit me. She, or likely the writing/directing team, refused to allow Captain Marvel to have humility.
What do I mean by that? Well, IMO, one of the reasons that the MCU characters have been so accessible, and thus successful, is because of their relatability and their humility. No, we’re not gods, super soldiers, or billionaire tech geniuses. But we are people who seek our father’s approval, feel weak, or mask our inferiority complexes with humor and narcissism. But beyond that, the characters are willing to be the butt of the joke.
Tony Stark blasted himself into the ceiling learning to fly while his robot sprayed him with an extinguisher. Thor was knocked out several times by being hit by a car, and even got a hypodermic needle in the ass mid-tough guy speech. Steve Rodgers was a scrawny, virgin, twerp who never learned to talk to women. Even in later flicks, Peter Quill is perpetually the butt of the joke. Steve Lang is constantly being mocked. Even T’Challa gets laughed at by his sister and his closest allies.
Carol Danvers doesn’t. She’s like a white-girl Vin Diesel who isn’t allowed to look foolish.
Think back on Wonder Woman. In DC’s first female led flick, Diana embodies power, poise, grace, and duty. But, she also has scenes of tenderness and humility. Remember laughing at her when she sees a baby? When she’s trying on dresses? Or when she marches out of the dress shop with a sword and shield? Funny stuff. Because the character was a fish out of water, there are moments when its okay to laugh at your protagonist. Because they kick so much butt later.
Image from Wonder Woman
Now maybe there’s a scene or two I’m forgetting which refutes these thoughts, and I’m willing to give the flick a second shot. But I think that by trying to make her a cinematic icon, they did a disservice by not allowing us to laugh at her, then cheer her later. I mean, even Rey got made fun of.
Image from Lucas Film/Disney
Another perfect example to illustrate my point in recent memory is Spider Man, Into the Spiderverse. The movie follows the standard superhero formula of newbie, incident, learning, falling, then succeeding. And Miles Morales is CONSTANTLY the butt of the joke. But, his story has style, flair, development, action, humor, and it will heart-punch you right in the feels. That’s why it beat Pixar for best animated movie in 2018, and why it will long be remembered when Captain Marvel is in the discount bin.
Image from Sony
I wondered if I was off base with my opinion of Captain Marvel. I am, after all, a white male (wocka wocka?). But once I started sifting through the reviews, I noticed a trend in the “left-leaning”/progressive websites. Some of them were not happy with the movie; seemingly upset that the movie was not what they had wanted it to be. On Metacritic, sites like Slate, Vox, Slant, The Guardian, Time, and the NY Post all had Captain Marvel in the 60% or below category. Some had titles like, “Finally, Women Have Their Own Mediocre Marvel Movie” (Slate), or “Captain Marvel Deserves a Better Movie” (Vox).
Ouch.
But they aren’t wrong. 60% is about where it falls for me. I think there was a lot of potential in the movie But IMO, the short development cycle to get it out before Avengers: Endgame hurt the movie.
But, these are just my opinions. If you like the movie, GREAT! Don’t let me, or anyone else, tell you otherwise. Like what you like, love what and who you love.
Live long and strong
~Gibby
