Before I go into this comedic rant and/or movie review, please know I don’t take the reason for quarantine lightly. My heart goes out to those we’ve lost and those afflicted/affected. I wish for better times and relief as soon as possible. So with that being said . . .

Oh COVID quarantine, thou art a cruel dick. Sure, there are tons of things to watch on the various streaming services. But just like the Star Wars movie franchise, only about a third of the material is worth your time. (Not you Mandalorian, Rebels, and Clone Wars. You’re perfect just the way you are). But I managed to see one movie I was expecting to like, which I didn’t. And one movie I thought would be laughably bad which I fell in love with. Wonder Woman 1984 and Fatman.

- Images from IMDB and Amazon respectively

So let’s start with Wonder Woman 1984, the cinematic equivalent of standing in line at a theme park. You know, two-and-a-half hours of waiting for two minutes of enjoyment.

Like many Americans (suck it the rest of the world who doesn’t have HBO Max) I settled down Christmas evening 2020 to watch the hotly anticipated Patty Jenkins-directed Wonder Woman sequel, Wonder Woman 1984. Based on the trailers, I was ready for the color, the music, and the action of an 80s era superhero blockbuster. Woo!

Then I watched it.

Huh. That--that was a movie. Hmm. Well, to the rest of the world I previously mocked for not having HBO Max . . . it looks like I and the rest of my country are the ones who should suck it.

Look, there are a lot of better think pieces and opinion blogs/movie reviews out there who have already covered this topic. By now I’m sure you’ve seen one of twenty of them. And like everything else in this country, the opinions are as polarized as those ridiculous glasses my mom bought back in the 80s. Damn you QVC.

- Image from Youtube

So my Bottom-Line-Up-Front review is this: Boredom. Wonder Woman 1984 was total and absolute boredom with occasional moments of actual caring. I told myself that in 2021 I was going to be less critical. To point out positives even when I don’t like something. But, c’mon man, did ya see the movie? Okay, I can do this. Whew. Here we go. This dull as dishwater story . . . damn it . . . this “movie” was an introspective look at an immortal being who feels isolated and alone during the decade of decadence. With wanton avarice, greed, and sexism as the accepted norm, Diana must remind herself that there is no shortcut to life or happiness, And, and sometimes you have to fight aginst those dark forces.

There, I did it!

. . . That being said, it was also a tonal mess that undercut every pro-women message the original movie set up, ironic as this movie was written by Patty Jenkins herself. This film paints Diana as still pining (eh?!) over Steve Trevor, the first guy she ever met/fell in love/slept with/and knew for a total of like seven days, over 60 years prior. So when it came time for her one wish, the educated, beautiful, successful, glamazon wished for her old flame, the one thing she needed to be complete. The movie also has also been lambasted for the non-consensual sexual contact with the body Steve inhabits, as well as propping up middle-eastern people for the skinny white woman to smack around.

Sorry sorry. I’m trying to be better, but New Year’s resolutions are hard. But I’m disappointed since I really dug the first movie. But like I said before, there are far better thinkers than me who have pointed out the virtues and flaws of this movie. For me, I regret to say I nothing this movie. Neither liked nor hated. It falls sadly in that “I’ll likely never watch it again” level of apathetic viewings. Glad that I saw it with an HBO subscription and not in a theater.

But when I was at my lowest, somehow Mel fucking Gibson made me feel hope again.

Wow, I never thought I’d ever write that sentence in my life. Which brings me to another movie I watched very recently, Fatman.

- Image from IMP Awards

If you haven’t heard of it, or seen the trailer, then here’s the pitch: When a rich/spoiled child gets a lump of coal for Christmas, said evil kid hires a contract killer to assassinate Santa Claus.

I’ll take a moment to let that sink in.

At first, I thought this was going to be one of those R-rated, good-bad movies. A laughable premise that commits to the bit and is entertaining for the run. And, it was that, but so . . . so much more.

You see, this movie had what Wonder Woman didn’t have, heart. Santa, you see, is at a low point. More and more children choose naughty over nice. And as such, fewer toys are made. And as a result, his revenue stream to pay his workers and cover facility costs are cut in half. (Yeah, somehow Santa gets paid by the government. It’s weird, but go with it.) So to makes ends meet, Santa begrudgingly has to accept a military contract.

Look, I know this sounds crazy. But when you see the movie, you’ll soon come to realize that this relatively low-budget indie-flick is a character study that has oceans of pathos under the surface, and it all comes out in the eyes and actions of the lead characters. Mel Gibson’s Santa is a tortured soul that feels like he let down the children of the world. Marianne Jean-Baptiste’s Mrs. Cringle is the rock that holds Santa up. She is his strength and his partner. Their beautifully acerbic dynamic is the heart of this movie. And the always A-game Walton Goggins plays an idiosyncratic hitman who has his reasons for accepting the contract to kill Santa.

- Image from TV Fanatic

This, for me, was the movie I needed to see in these times. A tale of someone who struggles. Who loses their identity. Looses what they love. But, finds their resolve, their passion, and their hope once more.

Plus it didn’t have the normally awesome Pedro Pascal reduced to playing an unctuous Trump-parody villain . . . who kinda looked like Bill Murray’s character from Kingpin, Ernie McCrackin.

But like all opinions, they are subjective. If you love WW84, who am I to say otherwise? I’m glad you liked it! If you saw Fatman and thought it was bad . . . then you are a horrible person without a soul and will likely die cold and alone.

:)

Hope you have an amazing 2021. Live long and strong!

~Gibby