Michael Gibson
Did Quarantine Madness Make Me Like Fate The ...

A tremendous amount of incredible world-building was done in the season’s six episodes. That in itself will bring me back for a season 2. - So when thinking about this show, and the litany of fantasy TV on right now, I decided to rank/micro-review the shows I’ve binged during the quarantine.

Did Quarantine Madness Make Me Like Fate The Winx Saga? -Or- Ranking Fantasy TV Can Be Fun

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May the 4th Be With You… Unless You’re an Asshole —OR— Coming to Terms With My Own Toxicity

“Star Wars for adults!” That overused expression was what circled the internet when the show ANDOR landed on Disney+ (and oddly when people talk about Denis Villeneuve’s remake of DUNE). Tons of reviews, both critical and user-based, spouted that line (or something similar) over and over. And for some reason, that really, really got under my skin. What did they mean by that?

The original Star Wars, while clearly a stylized old-west in space, had a lot of adult themes. An oppressive, totalitarian Empire that boarded ships and killed who they liked. Stormtroopers who killed Luke’s Aunt and Uncle, leaving them as smoking corpses. Not to mention arm-cutting, bounty hunter murder, and planet-wide genocide. “Hey kids! Wanna see billions of people die? Hey, stop crying, this isn’t for adults! Ya pansy-ass kids.”

Empire and Jedi both had copious amounts of murder, betrayal, loss, incest-kissing, and sacrifice. Huh, bloody well sounds like a Game of Thrones ep to me. So why was ANDOR suddenly “Star Wars for adults?”

Image from SomethingAwful.com

Then it hit me… they—the people who say this—don’t actually like the core of Star Wars. Or as to not sound like a total gate-keeping asshole, what I feel to be the core of the Star Wars universe. That being, the technological juxtaposed with the spiritual/magical. Or in other words: space fantasy. Not just space opera, but actual fantasy, complete with a fully-functioning magic system, monsters, knights, and one bad-ass princess.

That’s what pulled me into Star Wars. If I want moral philosophy in space, I go watch Star Trek. If I want gritty noir, I go watch Blade Runner or 2001. But when I want that mystical feel among the stars, I go to Star Wars.

So when I watched ANDOR, I was kinda “meh” about the whole thing. I mean, it was shot well. It had some clutch moments. A heist angle for one mini-arc. A prison escape. And some cat-and-mouse political thriller points. And of course, the moment when the oppressed people rise up and fight back… just like every other story out there. But it didn’t click with me. Mostly it came off to me as being purposely designed to be completely bereft of Jedi, Lightsabers, and the Force. You know, the things that kinds sorta (absolutely) makes Star Wars what it is and sets it apart from its peers. Instead, I watched a bleak, cold, blue-gray-filtered-looking depression quest following Diego Luna’s titular Andor who stumbled in and out of events like a space-faring Candide. His approach was to stand somewhere, do his shifty-eye look-around thing, and then move to the next scene. Reductive? Yes. Am I skipping over Mon Mothma’s go-nowhere story or Luthen’s activities? Little bit. But hey, apparently I’m just a child. What do I know? Boring, slow, and oppressed is apparently what “adults” want. Unless you mean the exact same things in a well-told story, like Arcane or Season 1 of Carnival Row.

Seems to me, the showrunners wanted a Blade Runner-feel, but in Star Wars. And if I’m being brutally honest with my opinion, ANDOR did nothing better than the other sci-fi it was clearly emulating. It was a copy/paste of other space noir but without the skill. I know that’s harsh, but it’s my opinion. There were parts I honestly liked, but at the end of the day, Blade Runner will always be an icon while ANDOR will be just another Star Wars show.

Quick aside: do you like basketball? Who doesn’t, right? Either professional or just shooting some hoops with your friends, it’s a great time. But, what if we added full-contact? I mean, balls out, I ram into you and knock you on your ass when we’re in possession of the ball. I mean, I guess you could hit me back. Grab the guy with the ball and slam him down hard onto the pine. Hmm… we’d need helmets and pads of course, but I think it would make it more fun, trust me. Oh, and I think that if we added a few more players, preferably one person with a strong arm to launch the ball down the court, so that another person could catch it to set up a score, that would make basketball better.

In case you haven’t caught on, this is just adding football to basketball. Because the fictional speaker doesn’t just like football, they want more football in everything. Almost like, gosh, they don’t appreciate the game of basketball for what it is.

Are you catching my meaning?    

The more I thought about it, that whole “Star Wars for adults!” thing, the angrier I got. How goddamn belittling is that? For adults? Tell me oh high and mighty website, do you really need to subversively push someone down to make you feel good? What the actual fuck? Sure, yes, some of the best Star Wars stories (aside from the OG) came out of the books or from Dave Filoni’s CLONE WARS and/or REBELS shows. Yes, they’re animated, but they’re solid stories that are tied deeply to the Star Wars universe and its lore.

So who the fuck are you to say this is proper Star Wars?!

… Sigh, kinda like how I’d declared a few paragraphs ago that “the real” core of Star Wars was space fantasy? You know, like a hypocrite.

Image from AZ Quotes

So with that bit of humility swallowed, I had to look past my opinions and at the franchise a whole. Especially the fans. And man… we are toxic. While the prequels weren’t my cup of tea, all you need to do is look at the stories of what fans did to folks like Ahmed Best or Jake Lloyd. Lloyd retired from acting in 2001 due to bullying at school and harassment by the press. Ahmed Best admitted to thoughts of suicide due to the barrage of harassment he received for voicing Jar Jar Binks.

And the sequel trilogy? Woof. Kelly-Marie Tran received constant sexist and racist comments online for playing Rose Tico. All the while Rian Johnson seemed to revel in provoking old-school fans by calling them “man-babies".”  

You could say that the actors need thicker skin. Conversely, folks could show an ounce of humanity/empathy and NOT harass actors for playing the parts they were hired to play. Unless of course, you’re an idiot who thinks the people on the magic talky-box in their living room are real-real. As for Rian Johnson and his actions online? Well, the old internet axiom still stands: don’t feed the trolls.

… Even if his smug face is so goddamn punchable.

Having criticism is okay. Having a different POV is good. Now, do I think that a HUGE ASS SWATH of people online will take any fucking intellectual property and turn it into a political statement? Yes. Yes I do. Whether real or imagined, it’s what people do these days. And it sucks. But that’s echo chambers. Some people want to live in them. Drink their respective cool aid or else face being ostracized.

Some folks will always call the Disney era of Star Wars a “blow to the patriarchy.” Other folks will always call it “woke garbage.” And some folks will just say “meh?” But the reality is, it’s still Star Wars. And saying it’s not the “real” Star Wars is a douche move, no matter what camp your come from. Even though it’s anathema to God’s will, pineapple pizza is still pizza. Just not the pizza I want.

Image from georgelyonsbuyscars.com

Cards on the table, I have not really enjoyed the Disney era of Star Wars. There’ve been a few things I liked. Elements/parts of each show or movie. But as a whole, I feel it’s a product instead of a passion. But that’s me. When something feels manufactured, lacking heart, then it reads that way in the script, pacing, plot, and pathos of the characters. As such, the bulk of Disney Star Wars, again . . . to me, doesn’t feel fresh or enriching. Mostly comes off to me as being devoid of original ideas, choosing instead to rehash old material -or- creating contrary for the sake of contrary. I’m sure some folks love it all just because it’s more Star Wars. Just like there are folks out there who hate it because it’s Star Wars. And that’s okay too. It’s your opinion.

So this May the 4th I urge fans of any beloved IP to discuss, listen, politely disagreed, and be wise enough to walk the fuck away when necessary. Odds are I will never convince someone that their opinion is wrong, just like they won’t convince me. But I will hear their words and dwell on them. Possibly even shift my perspective a bit and at least try to see it all from a certain point of view.

… except pineapple pizza. That slice of shit can go to hell.

 

Live Long & Strong

 

~Gibby

 

 

Fantasy TV Burnout -Or- Why Am I So “Meh” about Rings of Power/House of the Dragon?

No matter how old I get, part of me will always be like Bastian, that kid who lived in a land of make believe w/their head in the clouds. Kind of a “no shit” statement considering what I do/write for a living. So when the Sci-fi & Fantasy (SFF) media revolution began in the late 90’s/early 00’s, you can imagine how I, along with the rest of the nerds of the world, rejoiced. Like the Goonies, this was OUR TIME. And over the last two decades, SFF remained the dominant entertainment media.

 And I’m—I’m kind of getting tired of it.

Image from Meme generator

 Don’t get me wrong, I still consume SFF as much as the next nerd. But the sheer volume of pop culture saturation has me just kinda . . . burned out? Desensitized and apathetic.  Maybe it’s like a porn thing, you know? The adage that the more you consume the more you become numb to the medium, thus forcing deeper searches for either the truly excellent or the truly bizarre to pique your interest. Eh, who knows? Anyway, when the media heralded the coming of Rings of Power and House of the Dragon, I just kinda shrugged. So with that burnout filter in mind, here are my quick reviews of the latest entries of prestige fantasy drama. (If you don’t want to hear a middle-aged dude rant, then skip to the end where I try to redeem myself by listing shows I really like/recommend)

 

Image from IGN

House of the Dragon (HoT-D!!)

 So right out of the gate, this show is obviously going to be compared to its predecessor. Impossible to separate them due to nerd zeitgeist. But considering how GoT ended, metaphorically like a stinking, loud wet fart after what had been some great sex, all the show had to be was better than that. And as such, my overall opinion was . . . it was safe. New actors doing and saying the same old thing in the old same places we’ve already seen. “Oh . . . look, it’s King’s Landing, the Red Keep, the Iron Throne, the Small Council, the Hand of the King, Maesters, family/house names we know, and . . . oh boy, white-haired Targaryen women with dragons wanting to be queen . . . again.”

 And this is just me talking, but once you’ve seen Tyrion, Tywin, Littlefinger, Varys, Queen of Thorns plotting and sniping, or the sheer self-serving malevolent insanity of a Geoffrey, then the best HOT-D had to offer was little league at best by comparison.

 Without a looming threat like the White Walkers or a legitimate external threat to give the internal strife context, and the fantasy elements just being “hey look, a dragon . . . neat,” then the show boiled down to elite 1%’ers fucking and fucking each other over. The Real Housewives of Westeros if you will. I know that’s reductive, but it’s my opinion.

Image from The Wrap

 Then there were the time jumps, where whole sections of the cast were changed, leaving them without enough screen time to care about, let alone giving a damn when they have “a shocking death.” You want me to feel something for brown-hair generic son #2’s grisly dragon-back demise? Seriously?! Please, I was cheering for his death. When Ned Stark died it had an impact because we spent an entire season (1st book) with him (seemingly) as the main protagonist. Subsequent deaths in the OG GoT show followed the same formula: spend copious amounts of time with them, get to know their multi-faceted character, then kill them. Brown-hair generic son #2 (not gonna bother looking up the name) may have been cool in the book, dunno, didn’t read it. But on screen, he and most of the kids were as captivating as room-temperature water paired with unsalted crackers. And when the king died it was a goddamn blessing as we watched him literally fall apart for most of the season.

 Now all that being said, I still gave this show 4 out of 5 dragons. For my gripes, I can’t deny the production and the acting skills of Paddy Considine, Matt Smith, Emma D’Arcy, Eve Best, Rhys Ifan, Olivia Cook, or Milly Alcock. Each of them played their respective characters with gravitas as they wove a The Crown-like level of royal storytelling strife. So, I’ll watch season 2, but man I hope they give us something new. Again for the record, no I did not read the book . . . books? Are there more than one? I don’t know and I’m not gonna bother looking that up either. Mainly because if a show is going to be a show, you shouldn’t need a companion guide. Speaking of which . . .

  

Image from IMDB

Rings of Power (RoP)

 Oh dear lord, where do I start? Do I need to have read outside the Hobbit and Lord of The Rings proper to know what’s going on? Because I didn’t and I don’t know or care what a Silmaril is. I do care about how the show constantly cherry-picks lines and rather specific turns of phrases from the LoR. And man does it ever feel, what’s the word I’m looking for . . . cloying? A saccharine, excessively sweet play on nostalgia that filled the screen with Peter Jackson ‘member-berries instead of crafting a world of their own. Well, that’s not true is it? According to Screenrant,  Amazon has the rights to adapt The Hobbit and the appendices of The Lord of the Rings, but not The Silmarillion and Unfinished Tales. So the showrunners made their choices on how they want to tell their tale which came off to me as mostly piss-poor character archetypes that border on stereotypes, plot contrivances, and boredom.

 So. Much. Boredom.

 So let’s address the elephant in the room. Galadriel. To me, she’s an asshole. Maybe in 3000 years, she’ll be the Cate Blanchette version, but here in the 2nd age, she’s kind of a prick. They might have been going for strong and stalwart, but somewhere between the writing and the acting, they ended up with prick. I mean, if you’re gonna milk archetypes, then go for Steve Rodgers from MCU. A constant, dedicated, and capable character sure. But most importantly self-aware vice self-righteous. Humility, even a touch of self-depreciation, endears an audience. Now with all that said, Yes, Galadriel was a driven, capable warrior. And yup, she was 100% right that Sauron had survived and was out there despite everyone telling her no. And boy I’m so glad the plot let her realize who Sauron was at the very end for . . . like, no discernible reason, considering she was thirsting for him hard for most of the show.

Image from Reddit

This version of Galadriel is a villain pretending to be a protagonist. Aside from leaving troops to die (to which I don’t blame said troops for their mutiny one bit,) remember when she performed a soliloquy to a captured Adar? The one where she will keep him alive just so she can kill every orc in middle-earth, only to then tell him that all his children are dead and then kill him? Yeah, that’s called genocide.

 Man, wasn’t there an internet movement a while back about Tolkien and D&D, where certain “monster” races, which were considered “evil,” being coded as basically non-white people in fantasy? And here we have Galadriel talking about exterminating them all? I’m not one to whip up an angry twitter mob or anything, but umm . . . like, you know? Moving on.

Image from Reddit

 As for the rest of the characters, I honestly didn’t care about them. Not the Scottish dwarves, the Irish Hobbits (Harfoots?), the Stranger who is clearly Gandalf (too soon arriving in middle earth I hear? Maybe its actually Saruman?), the discount Aragon/Sauron, and not this version of Elrond who looked like Neil Patrick Harris’s inbred cousin. Oh, and the one healer lady/single mom who led the southland humans, you know how I knew she’d be the leader of that group? Not because she was brave, fearless, or whatever they were trying to convey, but because she was the only person in the village not covered in mud, had all her teeth, and spoke like she went to an Oxford finishing school. In fact the only characters I liked were: Ismael Cruz Cordova’s Arondir, Sophia Nomvete’s Princess Disa, and Joseph Mawle’s Adar. Their respective tales and POVs I actually found myself enjoying.

images from Den of Geek, British GQ, and Epicstream respectively

 But like the above review, I have to give credit where it’s due. It’s clear Amazon sunk a buncha money into RoP. The show looked mostly great and yes, there were some actual cool moments. I don’t care if that’s how volcanoes are made, that whole ep was pretty solid. And like HoT-D, I didn’t hate RoP. I was . . . whelmed. Not over or under, just whelmed. But by the end, for me it was sadly just another generic fantasy show without an identity of it’s own. Middling writing with fancy production to hide the lack of actual multi-dimensional characters. A very weak 3 out of 5 Balrogs for me. And I’m not alone. Check out The Guardian’s review HERE.

 So yeah, maybe it’s me. Maybe these are amazing shows and I’m just burned out. But I have a feeling I’m not the only one feeling the SFF burnout. No shade being tossed to Top Gun: Maverick, as it’s been dominating the box office. But I have a sneaking suspicion that if that flick had come out even 5 years prior during peak MCU, Star Wars, etc, I think it would have been a blip. But as it stands now, folks are raving about this movie. My guess is that folks are hungry for something else. Something simple with as many practical effects as possible. Wonder why?  

Recommendations

 NOW, so I’m not a total asshole, here are some “recent” shows (SFF and standard fiction) I’ve greatly enjoyed for their writing, character work, and having a unique identity. Arcane being the current gold standard of where storytelling and visuals meets solid AF character work.

Images from their respective parent sites.

As always, feel free to leave a comment of message me directly on Facebook or Twitter to tell if I’m right, wrong, or somewhere in the middle.

Live long and strong

~Gibby

Daily Road Rage Observations -or- What Your Car Tells Me About You

As I grow older I find myself constantly fighting against my inclinations and habits of “youth.” And not just my diet (you can take my pizza rolls from my cold dead hands!) No, what I mean is my conscious choice to be constructive instead of being destructive in my thoughts, criticisms, and opinions. It takes effort to apply reason, provide an alternative, and see another perspective.

. . . BUT, there are limits to what a person can tolerate when they are under a constant barrage of stressors. Slipping back into (amusing) destructive mode I need to unload a few thoughts.

See, I live in a kinda rural area of Maryland and I have a 30-ish mile commute to drop my son off at his school. The trip is a mix of country roads, interstate travel, and then business highway traffic. After which, I just make the drive in reverse order and get back to writing books that will never make me rich or famous. (Special note to ALL streaming services: I am a filthy, filthy whore and will sell you any (or all) of my IPs for relatively cheap.)

But back to the point. During these week-day commutes, my son learns a variety of new swear words. Well, more likely a creatively constructed and applied version of the swear words his mother blurts out when grading homework. See, my wife is a teacher and the things she says when grading kid’s homework? Wow. I was in the military for 20 years and even I wince at what she says when little Jimmy/Beth turn in their assignments.

So why am I swearing? Simple: there are A LOT of assholes on the road. Overly aggressive, lane drifting, tailgating, phone checking, rubbernecking, flow blocking, non-zippering fuck-knuckles who likely have married a fellow fuck-knuckle and will raise a clutch of knucklettes who too will be a plague on the road.

Now, bad behavior can come from anyone in any vehicle. That being said, I have noticed some trends based on certain vehicle types or brands. I will admit that since I have a fairly standard routine, leaving the house within a regular window of time. It is possible that I’m seeing the same drivers, thus making me a victim of confirmation bias. But . . . fuck it, who let’s science get in the way of their feelings!

So with that out of the way, below are a few of my favorite recent repeat offenders.

*Again, this is comedic catharsis, and my advanced apologies if you operate one of these vehicles. Unless you are one of the aforementioned fuck-knuckles. In which case, I hope you get a case of sonic diarrhea when next you drive.

Lexus SUV.jpg

The Lexus family of SUV’s - For those who think their taxes entitle them to more of the road.

Hey, Trip Vandersmyth III, We get it. you have money. But your mobile 401K has to obey the same rules as everyone else.

bmw.png

The BMW X4 & X6, the chunky-yet expensive-car/SUV mutant, is a perfect gift for your privileged child or wife to drift lanes while texting.

It never fails. There she is, and yes it is almost always a she. Some female, young or old does not matter, ripping down the interstate in one of these white vehicles to ride the bumper of the person in front. And 8/10 times, she is yelling into her phone which she holds like a slice of pizza instead of using Bluetooth. Is she too dumb to use Bluetooth?

Muscle cars.jpg

The pumpkin spice of muscle cars.

Yup . . . I’ll just let that above statement speak for itself.

I know, I know. It looks like I’m just picking on expensive cars and equating them to being driven by rich pricks. And in truth, I kinda am. Like I said though, these humorous musings are based on my my observations during my commute. And with that being said, may I direct you to these two articles, both from February 2020

If you drive an expensive car you're probably a jerk, scientists say - CNN Click Here

and

New Study Says Expensive Cars Are Bought by Jerks Who Won't Yield - Car and Driver Click Here

So with that being said, let’s move on to some other of non-luxury favorites to avoid while driving.

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The pristine pickup. Because unearned authority is only a car payment away.

This “hot take” is germane to the extended cab assholes who insist on taking their never-have-hauled-anything toys into more urban environments. I’m convinced these are purchased solely for the owner to watch the line of cars behind them scream in frustration while they back into parking spaces, thus eating up other people’s time. Double parking & sticking out too far in parking garages are added benefits. Oh, and a very special fuck you to all the limp-dick dudes (yes, almost always a guy) who ride the bumper of smaller cars in the attempt to instill fear and panic.

** special note: this criticism of pick-ups DOES NOT apply to the actual working trucks I see daily, especially in rural communities. Y’all are cool and my hats off to you and I thank you for the work you do.

modded subaru.jpg

The modded Subaru. Yes, we hear you go vroom vroom.

You’re adorable. But keep your matchbox car in your fucking lane. After all that added shit, I somehow doubt you can afford the accident you’re going to cause. Especially when there are two (or more) of you zigging and zagging through highway traffic because Vin Diesel and the Fast/Furious franchise gets you hard.

And last but not least . . .

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YOU ARE NOT A CAR!

Look, I get it. Whether for going green, health, or whatever, biking is a thing. I too bike to supplement my exercise routine and have about 800 miles on my current bike. But, I don’t care what the propaganda says, you (we) are not entitled to the road. We are entitled to gravity, physics, and the result of conflicting weight ratio’s in a collision. Don’t be smug. Don’t be snarky. Be fucking mindful. Oh, and blowing through stop signs? Sigh . . . well, your puppy your mom told you that went to live upstate has missed you.

Defending Characters We’re Told to Hate -Or- Were Gaston and John Walker Really That Bad?

Anyone who knows me and/or my books knows that I do love me some villains and antagonists. They are, after all, the most important part of traditional storytelling. Sure, heroes are who people cheer for. But for the bulk of storytelling, it’s the villains who set the stage, move the plot, and create the tension. The right villain makes the heroic victory, or heroic sacrifice, all the sweeter. And without the villains, all those purported “heroes” would just be standing around the farm, living in the Shire, swimming under the sea, or looking for power converters at Tosche Station with metaphorical thumbs in their butts.

Trust me, all the destiny in the universe can’t cure thumb-butt.

However, I will not stand by and allow the good name of villain be besmirched by pretenders to the title. I refuse to blindly boo and gnash my teeth at someone who is presented as “Here’s your villain! Hate them!”

So, with my tongue firmly in my cheek, I will attempt to exonerate two such “bad guys.”  John Walker, the New Captain America/US Agent from Falcon and the Winter Soldier, and Gaston from Beauty and the Beast.

First up, John Walker

Image from Disney/MCU

Image from Disney/MCU

So, remember at the end of  Falcon And The Winter Soldier ep 1 when John Walker was introduced? When Sam, and we the viewers, saw that knock-off standing there and smugly smiling at the camera, holding Steve Rodgers’ shield? Remember? Yeah you do. And you know for damn sure the internet remembers.

Even I wasn’t immune to that punchable face, just smirking at me. I couldn’t wait to hate that guy. But then from ep 2 onward, I felt … regret for my initial reaction. Remorse.

The show, and the internet, went to great lengths to paint MCU John Walker as a villainous tool. But was he? The Wrap referred to John Walker as the “Toxic Masculinity Captain America” and an “Incel.” According to Epic Stream, the actor Wyatt Russell purportedly got death threats for his character, and was referred to as “{…} one of the most despised villains in the franchise.”

Despised? Really? Why? What did he do besides having the audacity of NOT being Steve Rodgers? Did he deserve the acrimony? Let’s see. He

  • Was given the shield that we the audience believed should (and knew eventually would) end up in Sam Wilson’s hands.

  • He admitted to his wife/best friend that he wasn’t sure he was good enough.

  • Expressed humility on Good Morning America by flat-out saying that while he was not Steve, he would do his best.

  • Showed up to help Sam/Bucky on the trucks and then admitted that he wasn’t who Sam thought should have the shield.

  • Asked for Sam/Bucky’s help multiple times. (FYI: referring to someone in the military as a wingman, especially in Air Force culture, is NOT an insult. It is the person you literally trust to have your 6 when things go Tango Uniform. Something Sam, an Air Force vet and later contractor, should have known. And frankly, the writers should have known that as well.)

  • Bailed them out of trouble in Baltimore.

  • Refused to be called a hero for his Medals of Honor because of the cost to human life it took to get them, referring to it as “the worst day of my life.”

  • Got his ass beat by the Dora Milaje for plot reasons and laughed at by Sam/Bucky.

  • And frankly, just did his best despite clearly having CTE (note how he was always touching his head as if in pain, or shaking his head to “clear the cobwebs.”) This man’s government trained him and said “Go forth.” He did, and was punished for it. They turned their back on him. Did he go evil? No. When he came for revenge against Karly, he instead dropped his shield and saved the busload of people. The people that Karly, our propped-up-by-plot pandering rebellion leader, was actively trying to kill. You know … like a sociopathic murderer.

Yeah yeah yeah, I know: He *finger quotes*  killed a guy by bashing him to death with the shield. C’mon, who hasn’t? We’ve all played some kind of RPG. Besides, Walker was fighting a wanted criminal who was, despite said criminal’s speech in that episode to make him empathetic, part of a group that was trying to kill him in addition to being culpable in the multiple murders committed by Flag Shamshers leader, Karli Morgenthau. And after the shield bash, in the next ep, Walker was emotionally wrecked. Just like sad-sack Bucky had been the entire season. Just like every rational, redeemable person would be.  

But ya know who’s never showed an ounce of remorse for the people he’s whacked? MCU’s Sam Wilson. That dude killed several dudes in the first episode alone by kicking them out of helicopters, blowing up the helicopters, or dropping them to their deaths over those canyons. And he did it with quips and without an ounce of remorse. But he’s the “hero,” right? So he gets a pass, I guess.

Sorry internet, you lose. Walker was never a villain. He was just a guy you were told to hate and you did. Because that’s what sheep do. They follow the commands of any barking dog. :)

Image from Disney

Now, onto a tougher challenge--defending good ol’ Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. Woof. Okay, let’s give this a shot. Ahem. *affects a comically bad southern drawl*

Your honor, I’m not a big city lawyer. I’m just a country boy from a small county, which one we might call a province. And our “provincial life” is a little slower, sure. But we have good people, with good hearts, who are full of pride in their community. And you know who hates people like us? Belle. How did she refer to people like us in her famous song? “Little town full of little people?” Well, politely fuck you very much, Ms. Belle.

Now fair being fair, the townsfolk of 1700’s Villeneuve, France did despise Belle so much that they secretly choreographed an entire song and dance number to express how much of a stuck-up b-word they thought Belle to be.

So anyway, your honor, Belle makes it clear she wants more than a provincial life. And like all “Disney Princesses,” she is meant for more than being an object of beauty. She wants, and deserves, agency, adventure, and to be in charge of her own destiny. In fact, she tells the bookseller that her favorite book had far-off places, daring sword fights, magic spells, and … a prince in disguise?

Wait, what? I’m sure that’s nothing. Romance is natural for young folk, after all. But a few lines later she says that her favorite part of the book was when the heroine meets Prince Charming. Oh, no, say it isn’t so! Prince fucking Charming? If we skip to the end, we see Ms. Belle hook up with a guy with money and become a princess in a castle, with all the traditional, anti-feminist feminist trappings that go with it. Seems like Belle didn’t want to leave the provincial life; she wanted to be a white woman of privilege.

Go get her, hard left-leaning Twitter. I’ll wait.  

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Now now, I’m sure the defense is thinking that I’m just badgering the witness. That I’m spitefully nit-picking, straw manning, gaslighting, and looking for holes to tear Belle down to exonerate my client, Mr. Gaston. And they’d be right.

I’m of course being obtuse and hyperbolic. It’s clear to anyone who’s seen the movie that Belle is more than a few out-of-context lines and a victim of Stockholm Syndrome. We’re meant to look past those things about her and see that there is something deeper to her. That the country life and repetitive nature of that time and place was trapping her.

We’re to understand that the depths of Belle’s being and the quality of her character allows her to see that Beast is more than the self-absorbed douchebag whose actions and vile core cursed not only him, but also the lives of his servants to an existence of cutlery, crockery, furniture, and at least one who had to have been a toilet. Through patience and understanding Beast is capable of learning from his mistakes, seeing his prideful ways, and come out a better person with the help of the right guide. Hell, I’d like to spend time with that shaggy bastard myself.

But what happens when we apply that line of thinking to my defendant, Mr. Gaston? Well, the movie doesn’t want you to do that. Why? Because Disney Writer Linda Woolverton wrote Belle to be liberated and reportedly redesigned the new character of Gaston to resemble her own ex-boyfriends: the epitome of toxic masculinity. An arrogant, brash, self-absorbed braggart who sees others as objects.

You know … just like Beast in first half of the movie. But unlike Beast, the defendant, Mr. Gaston, doesn’t get plot time to step out of the stereotype. He’s saddled with being the hyper-macho prick who selects Belle to woo because she’s the prettiest girl in the village.

But what if he wasn’t? I know, I know, your honor; that’s hogwash. But we do live in an era of revisionist history, where movies like Maleficent and Cruella exist to paint the villain in a new light despite the intent of the original creator (or the desire to skin and wear puppies as a coat.) We already learned that Gaston was not an original character and that Belle’s sisters were the ones who screwed her over in the classic fairy tale. C’mon Disney +, where’s Gaston’s redemption prequel movie?

So let’s examine the clues in the movies and piece together a plausible story. Perhaps Gaston sees something special in Belle that he doesn’t see in others. Not as a hunter’s challenge, but as something more? What if all the bravado is an act? The three blondes in the bar clearly wanna do some nasty, PornHub-premium-level sinning with Gaston. But he rejects them. Why? He’s a caricature, after all. Is there any reason that a walking mountain of Klingon testosterone would reject three thirsty hot blondes?

Image from Disney

Image from Disney

Well, that’s easy. My defendant, Mr. Gaston, likes the girl who likes books. But he doesn’t know how to say that.

Gaston reaches out to Belle--blustering, of course. Because all he knows is what that society has taught him. Yet he does it anyway. Bucking tradition of seeing the father first, he proposes and is promptly rejected. Naturally, he is upset. Because perhaps Gaston was seeking to step out of his assigned societal role and was seeking a kindred soul. Someone who will see him not as how the village sees him, but for who he is. That’s almost romantic, isn’t it? Remember the song and dance number? This town hates Belle. Yet Gaston refuses to bend to popular opinion and grows to care for Belle, the misfit of Villeneuve and daughter of crazy old Maurice. If anyone could understand being more than what people see, it would be her. But that’s not in the script for Gaston.

Belle refuses to use that depth of personal character that she uses to see the real Beast in order to see Gaston as more than the stereotypical douche. And that’s fine. That’s the story. Just like in real life, no person is ever obligated to reciprocate the feelings of another.

So yeah, at the end of the day I can’t really defend my client’s actions. Regardless of what could have been, Mr. Gaston chose to be a jealous, scornful asshole who even tried to emotionally blackmail a distraught young woman into marrying him or else send her father to a mental institution. But the question is, would he have been such a prick if someone, anyone, took the time to try and know the person and not the package? If recent shows like 13 Reasons Why have taught us anything, then being cognizant of our actions, or inactions, towards others could save lives.

Alas, Gaston will likely always be seen as a villain. An oddly beloved one at that.

So the defense rests. 1 for 2 in defending a couple of villains. But let me leave the jury with this: when it comes to our media villains, just like people in real life, we need to not simply accept what we’re presented. We need to be better. We need to ask questions. Imagine a world where we give others the same benefit of the doubt that we think we’re owed. Imagine the pain and loss that could be avoided if we take the time to listen to others and understand them as people instead of assuming their nature.

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Just a thought at the end of a silly blog that tried to apply humor to a couple of Disney “villains.”

Am I Sexist for Believing that a Fat Man is Better than a Wonderful Woman? -Or- Has Quarantine Made Me Finally Go Crazy?

Before I go into this comedic rant and/or movie review, please know I don’t take the reason for quarantine lightly. My heart goes out to those we’ve lost and those afflicted/affected. I wish for better times and relief as soon as possible. So with that being said . . .

Oh COVID quarantine, thou art a cruel dick. Sure, there are tons of things to watch on the various streaming services. But just like the Star Wars movie franchise, only about a third of the material is worth your time. (Not you Mandalorian, Rebels, and Clone Wars. You’re perfect just the way you are). But I managed to see one movie I was expecting to like, which I didn’t. And one movie I thought would be laughably bad which I fell in love with. Wonder Woman 1984 and Fatman. 

- Images from IMDB and Amazon respectively


So let’s start with Wonder Woman 1984, the cinematic equivalent of standing in line at a theme park. You know, two-and-a-half hours of waiting for two minutes of enjoyment.

Like many Americans (suck it the rest of the world who doesn’t have HBO Max) I settled down Christmas evening 2020 to watch the hotly anticipated Patty Jenkins-directed Wonder Woman sequel, Wonder Woman 1984. Based on the trailers, I was ready for the color, the music, and the action of an 80s era superhero blockbuster. Woo!

Then I watched it.

Huh. That--that was a movie. Hmm. Well, to the rest of the world I previously mocked for not having HBO Max . . . it looks like I and the rest of my country are the ones who should suck it.

Look, there are a lot of better think pieces and opinion blogs/movie reviews out there who have already covered this topic. By now I’m sure you’ve seen one of twenty of them. And like everything else in this country, the opinions are as polarized as those ridiculous glasses my mom bought back in the 80s. Damn you QVC. 

- Image from Youtube

So my Bottom-Line-Up-Front review is this: Boredom. Wonder Woman 1984 was total and absolute boredom with occasional moments of actual caring. I told myself that in 2021 I was going to be less critical. To point out positives even when I don’t like something. But, c’mon man, did ya see the movie? Okay, I can do this. Whew. Here we go. This dull as dishwater story . . . damn it . . . this “movie” was an introspective look at an immortal being who feels isolated and alone during the decade of decadence. With wanton avarice, greed, and sexism as the accepted norm, Diana must remind herself that there is no shortcut to life or happiness, And, and sometimes you have to fight aginst those dark forces.

There, I did it!

. . . That being said, it was also a tonal mess that undercut every pro-women message the original movie set up, ironic as this movie was written by Patty Jenkins herself. This film paints Diana as still pining (eh?!) over Steve Trevor, the first guy she ever met/fell in love/slept with/and knew for a total of like seven days, over 60 years prior. So when it came time for her one wish, the educated, beautiful, successful, glamazon wished for her old flame, the one thing she needed to be complete. The movie also has also been lambasted for the non-consensual sexual contact with the body Steve inhabits, as well as propping up middle-eastern people for the skinny white woman to smack around.

Sorry sorry. I’m trying to be better, but New Year’s resolutions are hard. But I’m disappointed since I really dug the first movie. But like I said before, there are far better thinkers than me who have pointed out the virtues and flaws of this movie. For me, I regret to say I nothing this movie. Neither liked nor hated. It falls sadly in that “I’ll likely never watch it again” level of apathetic viewings. Glad that I saw it with an HBO subscription and not in a theater.

But when I was at my lowest, somehow Mel fucking Gibson made me feel hope again.

Wow, I never thought I’d ever write that sentence in my life. Which brings me to another movie I watched very recently, Fatman. 

- Image from IMP Awards

If you haven’t heard of it, or seen the trailer, then here’s the pitch: When a rich/spoiled child gets a lump of coal for Christmas, said evil kid hires a contract killer to assassinate Santa Claus.

I’ll take a moment to let that sink in.

At first, I thought this was going to be one of those R-rated, good-bad movies. A laughable premise that commits to the bit and is entertaining for the run. And, it was that, but so . . . so much more.

You see, this movie had what Wonder Woman didn’t have, heart. Santa, you see, is at a low point. More and more children choose naughty over nice. And as such, fewer toys are made. And as a result, his revenue stream to pay his workers and cover facility costs are cut in half. (Yeah, somehow Santa gets paid by the government. It’s weird, but go with it.) So to makes ends meet, Santa begrudgingly has to accept a military contract.

Look, I know this sounds crazy. But when you see the movie, you’ll soon come to realize that this relatively low-budget indie-flick is a character study that has oceans of pathos under the surface, and it all comes out in the eyes and actions of the lead characters. Mel Gibson’s Santa is a tortured soul that feels like he let down the children of the world. Marianne Jean-Baptiste’s Mrs. Cringle is the rock that holds Santa up. She is his strength and his partner. Their beautifully acerbic dynamic is the heart of this movie. And the always A-game Walton Goggins plays an idiosyncratic hitman who has his reasons for accepting the contract to kill Santa.  

- Image from TV Fanatic

This, for me, was the movie I needed to see in these times. A tale of someone who struggles. Who loses their identity. Looses what they love. But, finds their resolve, their passion, and their hope once more.

Plus it didn’t have the normally awesome Pedro Pascal reduced to playing an unctuous Trump-parody villain . . . who kinda looked like Bill Murray’s character from Kingpin, Ernie McCrackin.

But like all opinions, they are subjective. If you love WW84, who am I to say otherwise? I’m glad you liked it! If you saw Fatman and thought it was bad . . . then you are a horrible person without a soul and will likely die cold and alone.

:)

Hope you have an amazing 2021. Live long and strong!

 ~Gibby

I Dream of an Actual Batman Film -or- If I see Another Bruce Wayne Movie I'm Burning This Mother Down

Okay, so . . . damn! The trailer to upcoming The Batman looks good. Real good. I mean, I'm no fan of Sparkles McHufflepuff** but I can't deny that he looks cool and I wanna see this movie.

**Special Note: Please don't suggest any of those gritty, art-house movies starring said actor. I've had many cinephile friends recommend his indie movies, which I then watch . . . and hate. Maybe I'm a basic-B but I despise go nowhere think pieces disguised as character studies. I have a theory that watching too many movies is like excessive masturbation/porn consumption: too much desensitizes you, and you need stranger things to find pleasure. Regardless, to the person who told me The Lighthouse was good: fuck you. Ole Robby P jerking it on screen while DeFoe imitates Mr. Crabs from Spongebob does not a movie make. And no amount of faux Lovecraftian spookiness can replace the time wasted on that black and white abortion.

So back to The Batman! Let's just say . . . I'm leery. Trailers can make people think a movie is going to more than it is. But, we've all been fooled by trailers before. After all, they're a marketing tool meant to get to spend money. And when it comes to Batman in live-action, I feel like I've been burned before.

See, this article came out a couple of weeks ago on Screenrant, "The Batman Explores Bruce Wayne's Trauma In Fun & Surprising Ways." And that didn't sit well with me. There was a specific line in it which read: " . . . he [The Batman co-writer Matt Tomlin] did confirm the story will tackle Bruce's early days operating as the Bat of Gotham. Additionally, he revealed the narrative will revolve around the character's trauma."

Sigh. I--I don't ever need another Bruce Wayne's trauma movie. I'm sorry, I don't. Pretty much every live-action interpretation of Batman has centered around Bruce Wayne's trauma.  

. . . or him ready to quit being Batman for a girl. Seriously, look at this!

And yeah yeah yeah, I know . . . but what about his parents? Their murder is the cornerstone of his trauma and the genesis for Bruce Wayne becoming Batman.

Yawn.

Look, I'm clearly straw-manning this thought. But let me ask you this: Why was Spider-Man: Homecoming such a refreshing take on Marvel's favorite web-slinger? Aside from the MCU magic sprinkled in, there was no rehashing of the Uncle Ben Dies story line. We get it. We're nerds (or at least nerd-adjacent) and the ubiquity of these iconic characters ensures that everyone is aware that Uncle Ben died, Krypton blew up, and Batman's parents got gunned down. And we've seen those movies. A lot. Sad boy Bruce Wayne being so sad he plays dress-up while struggling with his inner pain.

So fun. Blah.

On the whole, I prefer the animated Batman movies. Why? Because the bulk of them deal with Batman doing Batman things. Fighting his rogues gallery, solving a crime, and being the dark vigilante we like. And, this is important, he's Batman the vast majority of the time, not an introspective emo puppy.

And, wouldn't be cool if we got a live-action movie that did that? No Alfred telling Master Wayne to get up. No Bruce looking forlorn over his waffles. Just Batman running around Gotham having to do something in the nick of time. You can make it moody. You can make it stylish. Dark and gritty the shit out of it. Hell, throw in a Court of Owls Raptor or a Hush (pick one) taking shots at him, I don't care.

Maybe this movie will do that? The trailer has all the elements I described. But it also has a slowed-down version of Nirvana's "Something in the Way." So . . . yeah, I’m sensing some sad-boy Seattle rain “poor me” on the horizon.

Some folks say that you need Bruce Wayne. You need to see his face to humanize him. And to that I say . . . why? We've had that, plenty of times. Do you know what we've never had? Batman in the cowl for the whole movie. You see, there's this little movie that kicked a lot of ass and went unappreciated in its time. A little flick called Dredd.

 

NO! No that one. This one.

 

Ahh, there it is.

This movie had the balls to cover the beauty that is Karl Urban (don't judge me, we're all allowed one man crush) for the entire movie. This well-paced, contained, gritty, action story not only kicked major ass but served as a prototype of how a Batman movie could be made.

So, all humor aside, I'm sure The Batman will be a solid movie and I really am looking forward do it. People laughed in '89 when the comedian Michael Keaton was announced as Batman. They laughed again when the lanky kid from Knights Tale, Heath Ledger, was announced as Joker. So maybe the Crystal Pepsi of vampires will surprise us all.

But I swear to God if I see Thomas and Martha one more time I'm killing them myself.

~ Live Long and Strong - Gibby

Breaking Up with Star Wars -Or- It’s Not You, It’s Me

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Dear Star Wars,

I heard that The Rise of Skywalker is coming to Disney+ next week just in time for May the 4th (be with you). Clever. You’ve always been clever. I’ve only seen the movie once, back when it was first released in late December 2019. Sadly, I didn’t like it . . . but it was fun.

Maybe fun isn’t enough anymore. Maybe . . . maybe this is time for us to go our separate ways.

It’s not you, it’s me.

See, I grew up loving you. The heroic adventures, the losses, the successes, and the camaraderie of Han, Luke, and Leia were my first exposure to that type of storytelling.

And it’s like they say. You never forget your first.

Image from Cinemablend

Image from Cinemablend

When I think about our relationship, back when it was new and fresh, when you were just the original trilogy, it was easy to be blinded by “perfect memories.” It’s hard to set aside sacred nostalgia in lieu of a critical eye. And when I did, I realized that you, well . . . you weren’t great.

But the idea of you was. I think I fell in love with the idea of you. What I thought you were.

Pulp action-fantasy in space? The mystical juxtaposed with the technological? Space wizards and laser blasters? Bounty hunters and lightsabers? Oh, you had me. I can’t deny the impact you had on me and my own writing, especially my Technomancer books.

But as time went on, I had to admit certain truths. That maybe the problem was me. I saw you in a certain way, and when that way changed, I wasn’t willing to change with you.

I loved that come Empire and Jedi, you had the boldness to time jump. I loved the opening first acts, which were amazing mini-movies (Hoth and Jabba’s palace, respectively). But then . . . well, I get kinda bored. Yes, Yoda’s introduction was iconic, as was the exploration of The Force. But let’s be honest, Luke’s three-day training montage and Cloud City aren’t really fun. And don’t get me started on the Ewoks.

Image from Me.me

Image from Me.me

Now listen, I don’t blame you. You tried. Both flicks have cool moments during their respective down times. Vader at the dinner table? The speeder bike chase on the forest moon of Endor? So cool. But honestly . . . sigh, I didn’t want to tell you this. But this is where I typically fast forward to the hype moments of the respective films. I kinda just wanna see the final Jedi/Sith confrontation.

Damn. It seems like I’m blaming you. And maybe . . . maybe I am. These feelings are natural. No relationship is perfect. After all, I have been seeing other franchises. None as beloved as you! But I wanted to be honest.  

And if I’m being honest, I feel you’re partly to blame.

Don’t look at me like that. You took the the beloved scoundrel Han Solo and . . . turned him into a plot device. During the bulk of Jedi, he just stands there and overreacts to events. Sure, he helped bring down the shield generator, but he wasn’t pivotal. He’s all trembly, kinda scared, and . . . oh. Oh shit. You . . . you turned him into the Ron Weasley of Star Wars.

You did this!!!!

You did this!!!!

And that’s in addition to all the other silly shit you did. What? You know what I’m talking about. Luke and Leia kissing just to make them brother and sister ring any bells?  

When the prequels came, I wanted them to be good. And . . . well, they were what they were. I liked some parts, but bad acting, worse dialogue, and a dumb-as-fuck plot about trade federations? Come on.

I know it was supposed to serve as the backdrop to the fall of Anakin and rise of Palpatine, but it was a stilted CGI-set mess and you know it. Come Revenge of the Sith, I kind of wished I was one of those younglings that Anakin butchered.

I’m sorry. That was cruel. But it’s how I felt.

I missed the old, mysterious you. The one who said cool things but never explained them, leaving me to fill in the gaps. I think back on our early days, of the beloved original trilogy, with such fondness, flaws and all.

You were so bold. So fresh. A New Hope, while following the classic story structure, was also an exemplary teaching tool of “show, don’t tell.” You didn’t explain anything. Stormtroopers, Darth Vader, Galactic Senate, Rebel Alliance, droids, and more in the first five minutes with nary an explanation. And that’s before we even get into The Force, Lightsabers and whatever the hell a Kessel Run was.

That was you. Uncompromising.

But over the years, you changed. Maybe that’s what happens－the longer you’re with someone, you lose that sense of mystery. And in this time you went out of your way to explain yourself. You licensed yourself out to countless books that sought to explain . . . hell, every stupid nuanced fucking thing.

Sure, sure. Some were kinda fun, I won’t lie. It honestly was nice to see some further adventures of the old gang. But there came a point when it was too much. And instead of drawing back, you doubled down.

Midichlorians? Really?

Image from Quickmeme

Image from Quickmeme

Hell, two of the modern movies you recently made were nothing but explaining yourself. Rogue One was a story about a “plot hole” no one cared about. Sure, it was fun overall. But there was only one character worth caring about, the droid K-2SO. Those other chumps might as well have been a nameless D&D adventuring party for all the personality, and lack of camaraderie, you gave them.

And Solo? Really? You’re telling me that everything about Han, from his name, gun, ship, Chewbacca, and Lando, all happened over the course of a week and he never evolved since? Yes, I’m being hyperbolic . . . technically he got his name when he enlisted and the rest came two years later. But really “I have no people” = “Hmm, Han . . . Solo.”

God, you’re a douche.

I’m sorry. I take that back.

You did create The Clone Wars and Rebels, after all. And once more, you had me. Character development. Pulp-action story style. Mixing the magic and the tech. Stakes. Imagery without explanation. It was . . . well, it was perfect.

But then you made “the modern trilogy,” and it was like our relationship was just going through the motions. Worse, you sacrificed actual adventure for mystery boxes. And let’s not kid ourselves. Desert planet? Droid with a secret? Protagonist in robes that becomes a Jedi? A death star-like weapon? You know damn well The Force Awakens followed New Hope’s plot and imagery. But yes, it was nice to see you again after all this time. And yes, I admit it, I really liked Rey. She was affable and fun to watch. Hell, I even kinda liked Kylo Ren.

And then . . . then The Last Jedi came. The cinematic equivalent of a surprise finger in the ass during sex.

Image from The Great Outdoorsman

Image from The Great Outdoorsman

Moreover, it felt like you went off to college, took freshman-level poli sci and philosophy classes, and came back an insufferable know-it-all. Capitalism, war profiteering, and the nature of man? Gasp. How intellectual of you. But you ham-fisted your thesis into a pulp space opera populated by knights, princesses, and rogues. Why?

I mean, if you had originally started that way, more like Star Trek, where social thought and science was the crux of the adventure, I wouldn’t have minded. But it felt like you adjusted your black-rimmed glasses, affixed your beret, tossed your scarf over your shoulder, and then with a few narrative strokes of your pen, abandoned the love of your legacy characters and the love of adventure in lieu of a preachy narrative that . . .

Sigh. You know what, never mind. That’s not the point of this letter. You tried something new and it was what it was. And what it was wasn’t for me.

The point of this breakup is simple. There are parts of you I will always love. And there are parts I could never love. In the end, I will never forget the laughter and love we shared and will always cherish our time together.

But you see, I’m a man now. I have a family of my own. I even recently tried telling my eight-year-old old son about our relationship by showing you to him. Honestly, he was a bit bored. And frankly, I can’t blame him. A New Hope is a slow burn. And he’s seen so many other shows and movies that stood on your back that the spectacle isn’t the same for him.

Which is what Rise of Skywalker was. A complete spectacle devoid of anything to say. It was fun. But like our relationship, I didn’t like it.

Sigh. I wish you well, Star Wars. I hope you have nothing but success with your new adventures. And if I’m being honest, I’ll stalk you online from time to time. I’ll watch your new stuff. Just try to remember you’re not Star Trek, or any other sci-fi. Be the you I know you can be.  

But that doesn’t mean I’ll ever love you again.

Image from Quickmeme

Image from Quickmeme

The Thin Line Between Fan and Fanatic -or- Did Game of Thrones Let Us Down?

Online Meme

Online Meme

Yes, you are allowed to criticize art. Let me repeat this because apparently it needs to be said. YOU, the consumer of commercial art, a packaged, polished, and highly produced product, are allowed to give your opinion, comment, praise and/or criticize the thing. Especially if you paid for it. Shocker, I know.

Like many people, I watched the final season of Game of Thrones. And I was disappointed. I’ve written previously about the off-screen jet packs and rocket powered ravens for the last couple of seasons, but I held off writing anything more until after the dust settled on this season. And what I saw, in my opinion, was a very beautifully shot, well acted, highly rushed piece of commercial art.

In my opinion, the nuance and pacing of the first few seasons had been cast aside for the sake of spectacle and the desire to just cross the finish line. It reminded me of a horny idiot just wanting get to laid. The kind of person who thinks looking good trumps substance, and that foreplay is waste of time.

Image from MTV’s Jersey Shore

Image from MTV’s Jersey Shore

But after the final episode was over I saw fans online getting upset. And weirder still, was the media backlash to fan outrage. And as of this writing, the Change.org petition to remake the final season of GoT has reached over 1.6 million signatures. Now, I’d like to think these people know that that will never happen and are just expressing their displeasure as fans of show that concluded a 9-year journey as shadow of its former glory. But this piece isn’t really about Game of Thrones. It’s about fan reaction to the entertainment that they love and the perceived problem with fan outrage.

Before I dive in, let me be CRYSTAL CLEAR: I do NOT believe the fans have the “right” to dictate how a creator should craft their work. No matter how invested they are. BUT, fans do get to express their opinions about how they receive said work. And said creators should also remember the expression: don’t bite the hand that feeds.

I’m looking at you Rian Johnson.

In my mind, a creator doesn’t get to hide behind their “art” when fans become upset. Especially when said art is, as I said in the opening paragraph, a packaged, polished, and highly produced commercial product meant for mass consumption. Mainly because when making a comic, a movie, a book, a song, or a video game, the creator has to decide if said creation’s subject matter or style is meant for a wide audience or a smaller, more niche audience.

I expressed this opinion the other day on social media while discussing the finale of Game of Thrones. And, oh my, by the reaction I got from some folks, you’d think I’d defended Harvey Weinstein. It went a little something like this:

 “Who the fuck are you to question the artist?!”

“The one who consumes it and/or pays for it.”

“Oh, like your fucking HBO subscription gives you the right to tell them to reshoot he whole season? Fucking entitled manbaby!”

“No, it gives me the right to say I was upset, and that it seems like they rushed it in order to go over to Disney and start the next Star Wars movie.”

“And how the fuck would you know? Hmm? Are you their fucking agent?”

“No, but I do have Google”

“They’re the artist and you’re not!”

“Funny, because when they were drowning in cash from their checks, Blu-Ray sales, and license deals for video games, t-shirts, and Funko Pops, no one said shit about artistic integrity. Seems like that expression only gets thrown around when the populace has a negative reaction to some kind of entertainment media.”

“And if a band changes their sound, fans can tell them to go back?!”

“No, fans can stop listening.”

“So the artist can’t grow?!”

“No, they can. Hopefully they cultivate an audience that grows with them.”

“You must want the Hollywood ending for everything!”

“I don’t care how something ends, as long as the story is developed in a way that feels earned.”

“Fuck you edgelord!”

“Enjoy your next tumblr rally asshole.”

The argument has raged on forever: who owns the art, the artist or the people? And obviously the answer is: the artist. But, the artist needs to remember that they got to that elevated level, because of the fans. I think that there are certain creators (and celebrities) who have lived on a pedestal for so long, they’ve forgotten the very people who put them there, who called them exceptional, and who threw their hard-earned money at them. The fans lifted them from obscurity and made them “special”.

They forgot that they were the lucky ones.

Because frankly, there are millions of creators out there with amazing ideas. Yes, there is a lot of hard work that goes into creating something, and harder work still to market and promote. As an indy SFF writer, trust me, I know. And having months (or years) of work dismissed with a shitty comment or pissy review is heartbreaking. But, at the end of the day, there is a still a shit-load of luck involved when it comes to being noticed.

So for those famous folk who need a little reminder of humility, remember the words of the bard Kendrick Lamar: Bitch . . . be Humble

So when I see creators clapping-back at the fans while simultaneously clutching at their pearls,gasping: “how dare you?!”, well, to that I say, “enjoy the way down.” Because one thing the masses enjoy almost as much as celebrating victory, is the schadenfrude when the exalted fall.

But with all that said, there is of course a limit to a fan expressing their displeasure. As a writer, I’ve had many people leave reviews that have been incredibly toxic. But that comes with the territory. I was told by friends and colleagues to “get a thicker skin”.

But, at NO POINT, should a displeased fan reach out via the internet (or in real life) and issue threats of any kind. Normally that kind of thing doesn’t need to be said. But, less folks think this blog is all about fan empowerment, let me be clear on another point: There is no formal contract between creator and consumer. It sucks, I know. You buy their stuff, they cash the checks. That’s it.

But, if they are smart, the creator will listen to feedback and use that to help shape their work, rather than being beholden to it. They should consider what is best for the story and their fan base, not their ego.

**Oh, and the words “subverting expectations” should die in a lake of fire. That concept is not new, and it isn’t quirky, witty, insightful, or pithy to toss around. Hell, at this point, “subverting expectations” IS the new “Hollywood ending”.**

For those who think this level of fan outrage is a product of the current generation due to the internet, allow me to point you at the way back machine. In 1893, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle killed off his creation Sherlock Holmes, and man, fans were pissed. And after 8 years of pressure, Doyle released Hound of the Baskervilles, set when Holmes was still alive. And in 1903, brought Holmes back from the dead, with Sherlock explaining that he faked his death.

In 1997, Star Wars was re-released with Greedo shooting first. That went over well? I think the words “killed my childhood” were born.

In 2008, and after 24 years of waiting, fans got Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. And, well . . . yeah. That was a thing.

The long story short of this is simple. Fans are allowed to be outspoken. They are the ones who keep the entertainment machine turning. It is on their backs that the empire is built. But, fans should also take it down a notch. It is just entertainment. There are in fact real-world problems to focus our energy on. Toxic fandom IS a thing. Such negativity has hurt people in the real world. Don’t be an asshole. Express your opinion, sign a petition, vote with your wallet, and that’s it. There are warning signs when you’re in a bad relationship, and the same apply to your fan loyalty: Resentment, Disrespect, Dishonesty, Mistrust, Distancing, Defensiveness, and Contempt. If you sense your favorite franchise doing that to you, then walk away. Just make sure you’re not the one showing those signs.

So, Game of Thrones ended with not a bang, but with a whimper. It sucks. But, so did the Sopranos and Lost. It will just be another entertainment corpse on the pile. Remember the good times and hope ole RR Martin hangs on long enough to finish the books. But by this point, there are so many characters who I don’t give two shits about, that I just don’t care anymore.

Courtesy of Aww Memes

Courtesy of Aww Memes

But before I go, a quick message to famous, high-profile, A-List creators, artists, and developers: Don’t fuck it up. Respect your fans. When you do fuck up, which you have and will do again, own up to it. Don’t lash out at them. They want to praise your work. Let them. Because if driving over a Jawa would kick you out so that my books would become the next big thing on HBO, Netflix, Hulu, Amazon Prime, a comic, or video game? Well, I’d rev the engine and not think twice.

Dead Jawa.jpg

 

 

Do We Need a Star Wars/Pulp Fiction Mash Up? Sure?

Image from Textual Tees.com

Image from Textual Tees.com

So I was looking through some of my old writing projects, scenes, and notes the other day and I came across the printed pages of this little “gem.” It’s something I wrote in 1999. I read it, laughed about how dumb I was, but thought, “hey . . . let’s share it”, especially since I’ve seen images online of Star War characters in Tarentino poses on T-shirts.

 So I typed it up, did a little punch up, and added a couple of newer references. I present to you a 20 year old fever dream of a guy who apparently wanted to do sketch comedy writing.  

  

Pulp Jedi

 The Millennium Falcon flys through hyperspace blaring “Jungle Boogie”. Gangster scoundrels Han Vega and Jules Calrissian are in the cockpit.

 Han Vega:

What's her name?

 Jules Calrissian:

Leia Wallace.

 Han Vega:

How did Marsellus Vader and her meet?

 Jules Calrissan

I dunno, rumor is she’s his daughter? She usta be an princess from Alderran. Why you so interested in big man's wife?

 Han Vega:

Well, Marsellus Vader is leavin' for Tatooine to take care of some business and when he's gone, he wants me to take care of Leia.

 Jules Calrissian:

Take care of her? Making a blaster out of his finger and placing it to his head

 Han Vega:

Not that! Take her out. Show her a good time.

Jules Calrissian:

You're gonna be takin' Leia Wallace out on a date?

 Han Vega:

It ain't a date. It's just... you know... good company.

 Jules Calrissian just looks at him.

 Jules Calrissian:

Well you better careful. Last guy who did that got messed up.

 Han Vega:

Who?

 Jules Calrissian:

You remember the guy they called Jabba-Rocky Horror? Half black, Half Hutt?

 Han Vega:

Yeah, the fat guy.

 Jules Calrissian:

I wouldn’t go so far as to call the brother fat. I mean, he’s got a weight problem. But what’s the brother gonna do? He’s a Hutt. Point is, Marcellus Vader sent a couple of stormtroopers over to his crib on Coruscant and they threw his ass out of one of them tall ass skyscrapers. A passing speeder broke his fall, but since then, the brother’s developed something of a speech impediment.

 Han Vega:

What Jabba do? Fuck her?

 Jules Calrissian:

No, nothing that bad. He braided her hair up in fun buns.

 Han Vega:

That’s it? Well, Jabba shoulda known better. Play with a thermal detonater, you’re gonna get hurt.

 Jules Calrissian:

You don’t think Marcellus Vader over reacted? Motherfucker threw a guy off a building for braiding a girls hair. That ain’t right, messing with a brother’s speech and shit. Motherfucker does that to me, he better carbonite freeze my ass.

 Han Vega:

I'm not sayin' he was right, but you're sayin' a fun-bun braid don't mean nothing, and I'm sayin' it does.I've given a million ladies a million fun-buns and they all meant somethin'. We act like they don't, but they do. That's what's so fuckin' cool about 'em. This sensual thing's goin' on that nobody's talkin about, but you know it and she knows it,fuckin' Marsellus Vader knew it, and Jabba shoulda known fuckin' better. That's his fuckin' daughter, man.

Jules Calrissian:

That's an interesting point

 Han Vega turns around with his blaster in his hand to look at Greedo in the passenger spot behind him

 Han Vega:

Hey Greedo, whaddya’ think? Did Marcellus Vader overreact?

Greedo:

Man, I don’t even have an opinion.

Han Vega:

You gotta have an opinion, I mean--

BLAM! Han’s blaster goes off

 

Jules Calrissian:

WHAT THE FUCK?!

Han Vega:

Oh, shit, I shot Greedo in the face.

 Jules Calrissan:

Why the FUCK did you do that?

Han Vega:

It was a fuckin’ accident man! My blaster just went off. The Falcon musta hit an asteroid or something--

 Jules Calrissian:

The Millennium Falcon didn’t hit no motherfuckin’ asteroid!

 Han Vega:

Look man, I’m fuckin’ sorry--

 Jules Calrissian:

Sorry ain’t gonna cut it motherfucker! We’re in Rebel Alliance controlled space. And Rebel patrols tend to notice things like, I don’t know, fucking Corellian Cruisers drenched in blood!

 Han Vega:

What are you doing?

Jules Calrissian:

Messaging a friend. But if Yimmi’s ass ain’t home we’re in trouble.

A Blue hologram projection pop’s up

Hey, Yimmi, sorry man, but my partner got into a little bit of trouble and I need to use your swamp for a little bit.

  

-SCENE BREAK-



Tatooine - Deep in the basement of Mos Eisley Pawnshop, Watto is on the floor, bleeding, holding what remains of groin. Butch Kenobi, bloody and beaten, stands there, unsure of himself, a blue lightsaber ignited. Beside him, Marcellus Vader stands, his pants around his ankles after being repeatedly violated. Marcellus Vader’s hand is extended in a gripping motion and Watto is choking.

 

Butch Kenobi

You okay?

 Marcellus Vader

Naw man. I'm pretty fuckin' far from okay

 Butch Kenobi:

So, what now

 Marcellus Vader

What now? Well let me tell you what now. I'm gonna call a couple pipe-hittin' storm troopers, who'll go to work on junk dealer here with a trash compacter and a Cloud City scan grid zap-rack. Hear me talkin' Toydarian?! I ain't through with you by a damn sight. I'm gonna git Dark Side on your ass.

Butch Kenobi

I meant what now, between me and you?

 Marcellus Vader:

Oh, that? Well, let me tell ya what now between me an' you. There is no me an' you. Not no more.

 Butch Kenobi:

So we're cool? Even after . . . you know . . . the lava thing

Marcellus Vader:

Yeah man, we're cool. You had the high ground and I didn’t listen. Go on now, get your ass outta here. *His comm device rings*  Hello? What’s the problem? I have my own shit I’m dealing with at the moment, but I’ll send you the Fett.

  

-SCENE BREAK-

 

 The Millennium Falcon is parked outside a swamp in Degobah. Jules Calrissian and Han Vega are inside the earthen home of Yimmi enjoying a bowl of stew while Yimmi in his robe and cane, looks on unhappy.

Jules Calrissian:

Damn Yimmi, is this stew homemade? Man, me and Han thought we were gonna have some freeze dried stew, and here you are breaking out the gourmet shit--

Yimmi:

Know how good my stew is. Fucking made it, I did. When stew Luke makes, taste like shit, it does. But stew concerns me not. Dead bounty hunter in my swamp, it is. Sign in my swamp, did you see, that read “Dead Bounty Hunter Storage”?

 Jules Calrissain:

C’mon Ymmi, you know I didn’t see no sign that--

Yimmi:

Sign. See you. That read. “Dead Bounty Hunter Storage?”

Jules Calrissain:

No

 Yimmi:

Know why? BECAUSE STORAGE OF DEAD BOUNTY HUNTERS MY FUCKING BUSINESS IT IS NOT! Call people you must? Then do or do not. But if Luke comes home, finds dead bounty hunter in swamp, then leave me he will. No trial separation will I have, no. Straight to dark side, I go.

 Knock at the door, opened by Yimmi.

Winston Fett:

I’m Winston Fett, I solve problems. Okay, what you’re going to need to do is to do is take cleaning products and clean the inside of the ship. And I'm talkin' Kessle Run fast. You need to go in the backseat, scoop up all those little pieces of Rodarian brain and skull. Take care of are the really messy parts. The pools of blood that have collected, you gotta soak that shit up. Now Yimmi, we need to raid your closet. I need old Jedi robes, the darker the better.I’m sure you have a bunch laying around after Order 66. And no whites, can't use 'em. We need to camouflage the interior of the ship. We're gonna line the cockpit with robes. If a rebel ship stops us and starts scanning, the subterfuge won't last. But at a glance, the ship will appear to to simply be covered in Mynock saliva. Okay, get to work.

Han Vega:

A please would be nice

 Winston Fett:

Come again?

Han Vega:

I said a please would be nice

 Winston Fett:

I’f I’m curt, it is because time is of the essence. So, pretty please, with sugar on top, go clean the fuckin’ Millenium Falcon.

-OUTSIDE in the ship-

 

Jules Calrissian:

This is some fucked up, repugnant shit.

Han Vega:

I already apologized. Did you ever hear the philosophy of The Force that once a man admits he's wrong, he's immediately forgiven for all wrong-doings?

 Jules Calrissian:

Whoever said that never had to pick up itty-bitty pieces of skull with his fingers on account of your dumb ass.

Han Vega:

I’ve got a threshold for abuse and you’re crossing it. I’m a speeder bike Jules, and I’m in the red. And it’s not wise to push a speeder when it’s in the red.

 Jules Calrissian:

Oh you’re in the red?

Han Vega:

Yeah

 Jules Calrissian:

Well I’m a DEATH STAR PLANET BLASTIN’ MOTHERFUCKER, motherfucker! Every time my hands touch brain I’m a red kyber crystal lightsaber that will cut you open like a motherfuckin’ Taun-Taun. In fact, what the fuck am I doing in the back? You’re the motherfucker who should be on brain detail. We’re trading places!

  

. . . Coming soon, Reservoir Wookies (??)