As I grow older I find myself constantly fighting against my inclinations and habits of “youth.” And not just my diet (you can take my pizza rolls from my cold dead hands!) No, what I mean is my conscious choice to be constructive instead of being destructive in my thoughts, criticisms, and opinions. It takes effort to apply reason, provide an alternative, and see another perspective.
. . . BUT, there are limits to what a person can tolerate when they are under a constant barrage of stressors. Slipping back into (amusing) destructive mode I need to unload a few thoughts.
See, I live in a kinda rural area of Maryland and I have a 30-ish mile commute to drop my son off at his school. The trip is a mix of country roads, interstate travel, and then business highway traffic. After which, I just make the drive in reverse order and get back to writing books that will never make me rich or famous. (Special note to ALL streaming services: I am a filthy, filthy whore and will sell you any (or all) of my IPs for relatively cheap.)
But back to the point. During these week-day commutes, my son learns a variety of new swear words. Well, more likely a creatively constructed and applied version of the swear words his mother blurts out when grading homework. See, my wife is a teacher and the things she says when grading kid’s homework? Wow. I was in the military for 20 years and even I wince at what she says when little Jimmy/Beth turn in their assignments.
So why am I swearing? Simple: there are A LOT of assholes on the road. Overly aggressive, lane drifting, tailgating, phone checking, rubbernecking, flow blocking, non-zippering fuck-knuckles who likely have married a fellow fuck-knuckle and will raise a clutch of knucklettes who too will be a plague on the road.
Now, bad behavior can come from anyone in any vehicle. That being said, I have noticed some trends based on certain vehicle types or brands. I will admit that since I have a fairly standard routine, leaving the house within a regular window of time. It is possible that I’m seeing the same drivers, thus making me a victim of confirmation bias. But . . . fuck it, who let’s science get in the way of their feelings!
So with that out of the way, below are a few of my favorite recent repeat offenders.
*Again, this is comedic catharsis, and my advanced apologies if you operate one of these vehicles. Unless you are one of the aforementioned fuck-knuckles. In which case, I hope you get a case of sonic diarrhea when next you drive.
The Lexus family of SUV’s - For those who think their taxes entitle them to more of the road.
Hey, Trip Vandersmyth III, We get it. you have money. But your mobile 401K has to obey the same rules as everyone else.
The BMW X4 & X6, the chunky-yet expensive-car/SUV mutant, is a perfect gift for your privileged child or wife to drift lanes while texting.
It never fails. There she is, and yes it is almost always a she. Some female, young or old does not matter, ripping down the interstate in one of these white vehicles to ride the bumper of the person in front. And 8/10 times, she is yelling into her phone which she holds like a slice of pizza instead of using Bluetooth. Is she too dumb to use Bluetooth?
The pumpkin spice of muscle cars.
Yup . . . I’ll just let that above statement speak for itself.
I know, I know. It looks like I’m just picking on expensive cars and equating them to being driven by rich pricks. And in truth, I kinda am. Like I said though, these humorous musings are based on my my observations during my commute. And with that being said, may I direct you to these two articles, both from February 2020
If you drive an expensive car you're probably a jerk, scientists say - CNN Click Here
and
New Study Says Expensive Cars Are Bought by Jerks Who Won't Yield - Car and Driver Click Here
So with that being said, let’s move on to some other of non-luxury favorites to avoid while driving.
The pristine pickup. Because unearned authority is only a car payment away.
This “hot take” is germane to the extended cab assholes who insist on taking their never-have-hauled-anything toys into more urban environments. I’m convinced these are purchased solely for the owner to watch the line of cars behind them scream in frustration while they back into parking spaces, thus eating up other people’s time. Double parking & sticking out too far in parking garages are added benefits. Oh, and a very special fuck you to all the limp-dick dudes (yes, almost always a guy) who ride the bumper of smaller cars in the attempt to instill fear and panic.
** special note: this criticism of pick-ups DOES NOT apply to the actual working trucks I see daily, especially in rural communities. Y’all are cool and my hats off to you and I thank you for the work you do.
The modded Subaru. Yes, we hear you go vroom vroom.
You’re adorable. But keep your matchbox car in your fucking lane. After all that added shit, I somehow doubt you can afford the accident you’re going to cause. Especially when there are two (or more) of you zigging and zagging through highway traffic because Vin Diesel and the Fast/Furious franchise gets you hard.
And last but not least . . .
YOU ARE NOT A CAR!
Look, I get it. Whether for going green, health, or whatever, biking is a thing. I too bike to supplement my exercise routine and have about 800 miles on my current bike. But, I don’t care what the propaganda says, you (we) are not entitled to the road. We are entitled to gravity, physics, and the result of conflicting weight ratio’s in a collision. Don’t be smug. Don’t be snarky. Be fucking mindful. Oh, and blowing through stop signs? Sigh . . . well, your puppy your mom told you that went to live upstate has missed you.
